I’ve been writing about online dating for a long time and to be perfectly honest, sometimes I get bored. After all, much of it is about the same topics, albeit rehashed and paraphrased to make things more interesting. I often wonder whether there’s still a need in today’s dating world to write about dating profiles, first message writing and other such basics. But time and time again I conclude that these are still important things to cover. After all, it seems that there are plenty of people out there for whom such information is important.

Take this article, for example. TLDR: guy goes on Tinder “to find love”, fails to secure date, gets female friend to help him with his profile, secures date with hot model, is disappointed by her flippant attitude and behaviour and concludes that LA is not suitable for finding love.

So can we take this story and learn from it about common dating mistakes? Let’s take a look at what happened here.

The article was written by said guy, hence an obvious bias towards blaming the girl. But let’s break down what the guy did first.

1. Signing up to Tinder to find a serious relationship
   I personally know people who fell in love on Tinder and I’m sure many others do. But ultimately, Tinder is a hook up app. Its very nature makes it the perfect app for shallow encounters. It’s much easier to sign up to than more serious dating sites, which makes it perfect for when someone’s freshly broken up and needs to rebound. In fact, the girl this guy is slating did just that – signing up immediately after a breakup to make herself feel better. So while it’s fine to look for love on Tinder, you should also accept the fact that many people on there might not be looking for what you are.
2. Having  a dating profile that’s an idealised representation of yourself
   I often advise men in particular to get female friends to help write their dating profile, but there is such a thing as aiming too high. If a profile sounds like someone who’s not you and you turn up to the date, expect some disappointment. As I’ve not seen either the before or after version of this guy’s profile, I can’t comment on any particular problems, but the fact that he got no action with his own profile and got a lingerie model contacting him for sex after his profile makeover (only to be quickly disappointed when she met him) makes me think there was a lot there that could be seen as unwittingly misleading or just plain wrong.
3. Going on a date with a model and being surprised that she’s high maintenance
   I mean, seriously, are you 12? She’s a model. She’s in LA. There is no such thing as effortlessly done up. Not if you’re expect your date to look perfect. Most models obsess about their looks, because they have to – it’s what makes them a living. They are also likely to be very driven and committed to their work, which is what it takes to be a successful model in LA. If that’s not something you can deal with then date someone who’s not a model or an actress or any high profile profession.
4. Being surprised when your date doesn’t think you match up with your idealised profile
   Many people lie in their dating profiles, but it’s a risk you take that is likely to blow up in your face. Can’t do the time…

So all in all, this guy made a few bad dating mistakes and paid the price for them. But is the woman involved completely guilt free? Of course not. Let’s see what her issues are.

1. Going on dates immediately after a major breakup
   Was the guy so different than his profile or was she simply not really interested because she still had feelings for her ex? It’s all well and good to sign up to a dating site and start contacting people so you can get over someone, but the person on the other side has feelings too. Would this guy have replied to this girl had he known her to be so freshly broken up? I think the answer is probably no. By omitting this important fact from her profile, she was effectively lying too. It’s best to work out your own feelings about your emotional state without bouncing them off other people who could get hurt in the process.
2. Not respecting her date’s time
   This guy drove a long way to meet her. She kept him waiting for ages beyond their agreed time, which is rude. OK, so she didn’t know he’d made a long journey, because he hadn’t told her, but you shouldn’t take the piss anyway. He might be disposable to you, but he’s a person with feelings and his time is valuable.
3. Being flippant after having rejected the guy
   In spite of the guy taking offence, there’s actually nothing wrong with letting a date know straight away that you are not interested. I’m not going to say that you should do it every time out of respect for the person’s feelings, because as a woman I know that sometimes you just don’t feel safe rejecting someone outright, or you feel that it would create an unpleasant situation with the other person acting all offended and rude. Still, if someone is brave enough to simply say “thanks, but no thanks”, we should applaud it rather than criticise them. This girl, however, went the extra mile, if we believe the guy. First, she practically started talking about his shortcomings (why? Unless the guy is demanding to know them and you feel obliged, just leave it at “no thanks”). Then, she asked him questions about dating on Tinder. Seriously, tact is a virtue when you’ve just rejected a guy.

As you can see, both sides of this story made some bad dating choices, which you can learn to avoid in your dating life. Have you had any dating disasters you’d like other people to learn from? Feel free to comment below.

Back when I had the time, I used to offer some services to help people with their online dating profiles. The services I offered included helping the client choose the right photo and helping with online dating profile writing. I tried to keep things as close as possible to the client’s own words, seeing as the clients were the ones looking for dates and not me.

I see it as a way of showing people stuff about themselves that they may have missed, so that they could put this information in their profile. There’s nothing wrong with that, much in the same way someone could come in, look at your rather random employment history and make it look really good on a CV. After all, writing about yourself is not easy, even for very outgoing, eloquent people. I know I hate marketing myself, but writing about someone else is not a problem at all for me.

I’ve also seen some services offering to write some opening messages for you, which I think is borderline. On one hand, sending a first message is a daunting task for many, but once a conversation has started, they find it easier to relate. On the other hand…well, it feels a bit unethical and dishonest.

So recently, when someone showed me a wanted ad for a job involving running people’s complete online dating account for them, I was frankly quite shocked. It seems there’s actually work out there for people to not only write your dating profile for you but also to choose and message suitable women for you, flirt with them online and arrange dates for you. Once the date is set, you presumably turn up all briefed about the lady and the conversation you’ve supposedly had and take it from there. Seriously, guys? Really?

For one, any relationship starting like this would be built on a massive lie. You’re not going to tell your dream gal that the person who enchanted her online was some random student looking for some extra cash on the side, are you? Well, you might, but I doubt you’d get very far.

Also, looking at it from the lady’s point of view (I’m assuming it’s mostly guys using this service, but there’s nothing that says women can’t and aren’t using it too), if you’re too busy to bother trying to make your own connections or so bad at talking to women you need someone else to do it for you, what will you do when there’s an actual woman there?

It might seem like an efficient way of cutting through the dating numbers’ game if you’re a busy executive, but really, people don’t like being taken for a ride and if you’re not like the person who pretended to be you, it’s going to turn around and bite you in the ass.
From what I’ve seen, this is exactly what happens and such relationships don’t last. It’s easy to make a very shy, lost person look outgoing and confident online, but once you swap over to the real deal, the person on the other side is going to know something is off, or just lose interest.

“But it’s just like traditional matchmaking used to be, just updated for the digital age!” I hear some people cry. Well, actually, no it isn’t. People who go to a dating agency or a matchmaker know the score and they know someone else will be matching them with another person and arranging the dates. People on a dating site assume the person writing to them is the person they will meet later on.

If you can’t bring yourself to do your online dating “work” yourself, maybe dating online is not for you.
Why not use an actual matchmaking service (such as Coffee and Company in the UK) where someone does look for suitable dates instead of you and arrange your dates for you, but everything is above board?

Alternatively, you can let your personality shine at a speed dating or singles’ event.

A few years back, while my father was in hospital being treated for terminal cancer, I briefly dated someone. It turned out the guy had zero interested in asking me how I was feeling (I was spending upwards of 8 hours a day in hospital with my dad at the time), but was nonetheless interested in coming over to sleep with me. After three such dates, I stopped answering his calls and calling him back. My father nearly died that time. I was a mess emotionally and physically. I simply could not bring myself to deal with anything else, especially not a selfish person who didn’t even once ask me how I was and whether I needed anything.

Shortly before my father’s death, when he was briefly out of hospital and assumed reasonably OK, said guy called to ask for an “exit interview” and I picked up. I then got told off for having “ghosted” him, even though I had explained that I’d been dealing with some terrible events in hospital. It would seem that while our short acquaintance wasn’t enough to warrant anything as “heavy” as the guy worrying about my feelings, it was plenty long enough for him to be entitled to have his looked after by me, regardless of what was going on in my life at the time. This is the ugly face of self-entitlement, which is sadly remarkably common.

Ghosting, the act of disappearing out of someone’s life without explanation, is also pretty common in online dating and there are heaps of articles online telling you how horrible it is and what a horrible person you are for doing it (such as this article in Psychology today). Such articles are often written by men, although I have seen some by women who claimed to be “gender blind” when it comes to dating etiquette.

Ghosting does feel horrible. I’ve been ghosted in the past by both men I’ve been on one date with and men I’ve known for a long time. I was as disappointed as confused as you’d imagine. Whether you’re a man or a woman, the longer you’ve known someone, the more emotionally invested you are and the more interaction you’ve had with them, the more disappointed and sad you’ll be when they turn out to seemingly not care about your feelings enough to tell you they’re not interested to your face. This is especially true if you’ve had sex with them, because it can make you feel really used.

But we can’t really pretend that there is no difference between men and women’s experience of dating and social interaction, no more than we can ignore the fact that while men do get raped, it’s far far less common than women getting raped.

Women live in a world where complete strangers tell you to smile on the street and hurl abuse to you if you don’t. Where guys are “just being friendly, what’s your problem, bitch?” until you’re friendly back and then they ask you for your phone number and accuse you of having lead them on if you refuse to give it. We live in a world where self-proclaimed “nice guys” feel so entitled to women’s affections by virtue of simply not being openly horrible to them that they write articles whining about being in the “friend zone” (and cut you out of their lives in a huff, of course, once the potential for future sex is out the window). Guys feel entitled to our attention and affection simply because they happen to be interested in us. If we think we might be interested and then learn that we are not, all hell breaks loose.

Women have to deal with this shit ALL THE TIME, yet we are constantly judged for trying to minimise unpleasantness we never asked for. I’ve even seen articles criticising other women for rejecting men by saying they have a boyfriend even when they don’t, in spite of the fact that this is often the fastest, safest way to get a man to walk away without hurling abuse at you or even attacking you. For many woman, ghosting is not “being a coward” and “putting yourself first”. It’s dealing with real fears and real survival issues in the safest way possible.

Yes, ideally, any person you date who does not want to continue seeing you would take the time to let you know so that you’re not left hanging. Personally, I think that’s the most respectable thing to do. However, this also assumes that the person on the receiving end of rejection will be respectful enough to accept it without demanding an explanation, being rude or abusive or offloading their negative emotional state on the other person. And this almost never happens. Women can be as guilty as men of not taking rejection well and using emotional blackmail to try and get the other person to change their mind, but the chances of a woman putting a man in actual danger as a result of rejection are far slimmer than the opposite. That’s why I can understand women who ghost men more than I understand men who do it.

Let’s leave ghosting after actual relationships (a few months+) out of this discussion. A person you’ve messaged online or been on a date with once or seen on the street and fancied does not owe you an explanation as to why they are not interested in you. Yes, it would be nice to get one for your own peace of mind, closure and ego, but that’s on you, not on them. Just because a person replied to an online message you sent or agreed to date you and then decided for whatever reasons that you weren’t a good fit, doesn’t buy you the right to what could turn out to be an awkward, unpleasant experience for the other person.

We’re all used to seeing ourselves in the centre of the universe, but sometimes we have to accept the fact that, well, not everyone we happen to meet is going to share this view. Even the most heteronormative people often start off as poly on dating sites, going on a few dates with a few different people before they settle on one. Once a person has decided you’re not the one, they are not likely to want to make any sacrifices for you.

How many people would actually accept a simple rejection message without trying to make a conversation of it? Most normal people would figure out a person is ghosting them after a few days of trying and failing to get in touch. It may be bad manners, but it’s not a mortal sin. It’s just a few days of wondering, followed by the unpleasant dawning realisation. So an outright rejection message would be cleaner and give you those couple of days back, but the trade of is either a direct rejection with no explanation (again, you’re not owed one) or direct negative criticism. Most people don’t react well to negative criticism.

The truth is, most people are secretly angry at the other person for rejection them, but won’t admit it to themselves. Instead they’ll be overly angry at the person for “leaving them hanging” (ghosting), or, if they do get a rejection message, breaking up with them on the wrong medium (You’re breaking up with me on Facebook/WhatsApp/text message???), not giving a reason or ghosting them after they insist on not taking no for an answer. Yes, you might be the person who’s going to be happy with a clear “no”, but if you are, you’re pretty uncommon.

Until people, especially men, learn to accept rejection at face value without feeling entitled to an explanation, a conversation or a second chance, I refuse to judge women in particular for taking the safe, easy way out. Sometimes it’s better to let the man on the other side come to a slow realisation away from us, rather than confronting him with potentially dangerous rejection.

In the meantime, whether you are a man or a woman, if you think you are being ghosted, you can either stop trying to make contact and see if the other person reappears on their own after a while or you could simply send a polite message saying that you think you are being ignored and if so, good luck, otherwise “feel free to contact me when you are less busy”. Sometimes just being honest and disarming yourself can bring out the honesty in another person. Sometimes it doesn’t, but then at least you’ll have a reason to write the other person off.

[Ghost image by Marisali]

One of my fondest memories of my work as an online dating moderator was getting into the office on a Monday morning, making myself a nice cup of tea and then sitting down in front of my computer for a fun hour of going through the new crop of pictures our users have uploaded to their profiles over the weekend. More often than not it would be penises. Lots of them. Often, it would actually be the same penis, uploaded rather a few times, creating an almost Andy Warhol-esque spread.

You see, our sites were set up so that only photos approved by moderators such as myself would appear. Whenever a user uploaded a photo, it actually had a message about moderators needing to approve it. But I suppose that’s a bit difficult to read when you’re trying to keep yourself erect while pointing a camera at your genitals. So our budding photographers just kept hitting the upload button thinking something had gone wrong with the previous five, ten, 15 uploads. Cheers, guys, for my Monday morning view of your crotch!

Of course, on our sites people like me suffered so other women wouldn’t have to (though we didn’t moderate private messaes, obviously, so female users could get lucky there). But any woman dating on pretty much any dating site would have had her fair share of unsolicited, often unwanted dick pics.

So what’s the deal with dick pics? Men who send such pics are not exactly thinking it through, so would most likely think it’s silly to delve into deep psychological analysis of the phenomenon (such as this one on Psychology Today). There is actually no shortage of articles based on interviews with men who send unsolicited penis pics and, really, it’s not that complicated.

I’ve taken the liberty to look at the reasoning given by men and give the female response below.

Sending a dick pic because you think a woman might want it

If you get your sex and relationship education from porn films, you might think women would be delighted at the sight of your genitals once you’ve established a friendly back and forth. After all, porn stars only need to turn up with pizza at the swimming pool to get the sexy party started.

The truth is, most women are not like that. Most women, even very sexually liberated ones, usually need to meet you in person first and decide whether they actually want to go to bed with you, before wanting to see the goods on display. Seeing a man’s naked penis is a much bigger deal to most women as it is for you. Don’t assume a woman wants to see your junk. Generally it’s best to wait for the woman to actually ask for a picture, which women would gladly do, if interested. If you really think she might be interested in one, always ask first. Be aware, though, that some women might find it creepy that you’re even asking at this stage, even if they’ve been flirting with you online, or even in person.

Sending a pic because you would love to get unsolicited boob or vagina pics

I’ll let you in on a secret – on gay sites it’s pretty much all penis action all the time. You men love getting unsolicited naked photos, it seems. But here’s another secret – women generally don’t. If she doesn’t know you, she doesn’t want to see your genitals. Not in the park, not in the toilet and not online. There are laws against exposing yourself in public, you know. This is why they’re there.

Think that by sending an unsolicited naked photo to a woman you’ll get her to send you one back? Think again. Unless she’s expressed interest in seeing you naked, she’s most likely to run away screaming.

Sending an unsolicited dick pic because you know some women like them

People go on dating sites for different reasons and all people are different. On hook up / sex dating sites you may well find women who respond favourably to unsolicited naked photos. Hell, even on a large dating sites there are bound to be some woman who’d think “oh wow, that’s hot” at a surprise picture of your dick. But 99% of them won’t. They will find it a distressing, troublesome experience that might put them off online dating. Is that the effect you want to achieve? Probably not. Don’t risk it. There’ll be plenty of time for naked fun once you’ve established an actual interpersonal connection.

Sending an unsolicited dick pic because you’re an asshole who likes to harass women

Let’s not pretend this doesn’t happen. Some men might think they are doing it cause “it’s funny” or cause “I’m drunk”, but they might actually be aware of the fact that they are upsetting women. Like any form of sexual harassment and rape, it’s not about sex but about power. Maybe it’s about feeling inadequate, maybe they want the attention, maybe it’s even about getting back at “women” for rejecting them. If you’re that kind of guy, you know women don’t want to see your penis and that’s why you’re doing it. One day you’ll look back and realise you were trying to hurt women and be ashamed of what a giant douche you were. Either that or you’ll graduate to full blown rapist.

Having looked at literally thousands of dick pics men have uploaded to our site, I could never tell whether men were uploading them because they were so proud of their penis or to counteract feelings of inadequacy in regards to its shape and size. Most of the ones on display weren’t really all that, so I tend to lean towards the latter, though male pride in one’s penis can often be misplaced. I sort of hope only nice people come to my blog so hopefully this won’t actually apply to you, dear reader. But if you’re the sort of dude who likes to cyberbully women, do you find the thought of male and female staff judging and laughing at photos of your dick offensive? If so, I suppose that’s the price you pay for shoving unsolicited penis images in people’s faces. I suggest you get some sort of psychological help before your taste for harassment escalates and you find yourself flashing little girls in the park and getting arrested.

Do you send dick pics for other reasons? Have you got any more special insights into the mind of such amateur photographers? Feel free to comment below. Please, though, no dick pics. Nobody wants to see your penis.