Online Dating Tips

Messaging women on a dating site is not always easy. Competition can be tough, especially if you’re aiming for an attractive woman. Also, the medium can be a bit confusing, with many men being unsure of etiquette, what women want or expect and what constitutes a good first message. Here are the five golden rules to keep in mind when you’re composing your first message to the possible woman of your dreams.

(the man in the pic is in no way connected to this piece)

1 Have a good profile in place

The first thing a woman’s going to do is read your profile, yet so many men are so eager to get on with contacting women that they don’t put any time or effort into what they write. A good photo is obviously a must, too and you can get away with quite bland messages if your profile pic is attractive enough (humans are shallow, what can I say). If you need tips about choosing a photo and writing a good profile, start here and here and here.

But don’t worry, if a woman likes your first message, she’ll take a chance on you even if she’s not entirely sure about the pics. So…

2  Be Respectful

Different women are going to respond in different ways to different messages, but the vast majority of women prefer to be treated with respect. It’s fine to be a bit cheeky and flirty, but there’s a fine line between that and being rude, creepy and sleazy. Unless you’re on a hook up site, don’t offer sex straight away or ask about what the woman likes in bed, don’t discuss her anatomy in a direct way  and for god’s sake, don’t send any dick pics. It might seem obvious,but apparently it oh so isn’t. So basically “you have nice tits” is out, but something like “fancy a pint?” or some sort of tongue in cheek chat up line can be fine.

3 Pay attention

Look beyond the woman’s picture and have a good read of her dating profile. Apart from knowing whether you’re likely to be her type, it’s going to be a treasure trove of conversation starters. Remember though that if something in her profile stands out as an obvious conversation starter (like “I work at the circus as an aerial acrobat” for example, or “I am 6′ 2”) chances are every man and his dog will have already asked her about it and she’s fed up of talking about it. So try to go for something less obvious and you won’t be as dull as the rest of them.

4 Keep it short

She doesn’t know whether she likes you yet and really, you want her checking out your profile, so don’t write essays. A couple of paragraphs at most, if not less. If you’re finding it hard to be concise, write out a longer message, then read it over a few times critically and cut it down to size. Can’t write two paragraphs? A one liner is all you need to start a conversation.

5 Don’t try too hard to impress

I know it’s hard to stand out as a man on a dating site, but trying too hard to be cool can often reek of effort and backfire horribly. So don’t go on about your fine qualities in your message, don’t waste your time on trite pick up techniques and whatever you do, don’t go for that lame pick up artist tactic of insulting women to get them to respond. Most women I’ve come across actually hate that. You’re far better off just having a good looking, detailed profile and just saying hello than to try and look like superdate.

People are always saying that online dating is a lot like searching for a job. I agree. A dating profile, in a sense, is much like a CV and job ad rolled into one, even though nobody will expect you to include information about your past relationships or give references for exes (can you imagine how funny that would be?). Even if you’ve never tried online dating, you’re probably quite familiar with the job search and application process. Job ads have codes – things that any experienced job searcher would be able to see and immediately know what type of potential employer the job was posted by. Similarly, online dating also has codes and reading between the lines can save you a lot of time and hassle later.

What do I mean by codes? Well, if you were searching for a job and saw an ad that asked for a “hardworking person” who’s “not all about the money”, you’d probably suspect the job is badly paid and that the employer expects you to work long hours regardless. If you saw a job ad asking for a “high calibre candidate”, you’d know a significant amount of experience and expertise was required for the job.

Likewise, online dating has different types of codes that imply certain things about the person whose profile you’re looking at and the type of relationship they’re looking for.

Online dating codes that describe people

Words like curvy, BBW, cuddly, more to love, etc. are often used by overweight people to describe themselves, especially women. On the whole, those are pretty self explanatory.

Online dating codes that describe requirements

No strings attached

Looking for fun

Webcam chat

These are all code words for wanting casual sex (webcam chat more often than not means net sex). Sometimes it can actually mean the person is already attached but wants something on the side as well.

Online dating codes people give you without realising

Sometimes people will give away more than they intend, which I see as nature’s way of warning you off people who are blatantly not ready to date again.
Beware of any man going on about how he expects women to pay their own way and be financially independent (cheap) or anyone going on about how they hope you’ll “prove them wrong” about all men/women being bad (too much baggage).

What other interesting codes have you come across?

Most people have Facebook accounts nowadays, though in my experience, even the most avid Facebook users would shy away from using the site for strict online dating. When it comes to hooking up with complete strangers, rather than friends of friends, people still prefer the relative anonymity of dating sites. But let’s face it, the Facebook / online dating crossover isn’t just about the things you do by choice. Once you reveal enough about yourself to your new online beau or belle, they’re going to be rushing to Facebook and checking out your profile. Some may even ask you for your Facebook details, making it hard to refuse. This opens up a whole can of worms, from having your Facebook profile embarrass you with bad photos to giving personal information out to someone who may turn out to be a freaky stalker. You want to make sure your Facebook is ready for this onslaught in every possible way.

Here are 5 things you can do to make this integration smoother.

1. Watch your profile pic.

You’ve gone all out with your dating site pics, showing off your best side, but your Facebook pic is a blurry, unflattering shot of you pulling faces while drunk at a party. FAIL. No matter what you do, your Facebook profile pic will be seen by anyone looking at your profile, so if you’re trying to get dates, make sure it’s also up to scratch.

2. Make everything private

You can make most things on your Facebook profile private to anyone who isn’t already your friend or your friends’ friend. You then have the choice of who to share your information with, rather than the choice being forced upon you. Just go into your privacy settings and make sure nothing it set to “everyone”.

3. Control your tags

You don’t want last night’s drunken hen or stag night shots popping up on your profile when you’re trying to charm your future husband or wife. Luckily, Facebook lets you decide who can see these in your privacy settings. Choose “only friends” or even “only me” and the problem is solved.

4. Stop random people from searching for you on Facebook

In the “connecting on Facebook” section of your privacy settings, you can control who can search for you on the site. Setting it to everyone means any random person can look you up. This may mean more friends from your forgotten past, but it could also mean people you don’t know very well can look up your profile. If you reduce the permissions to “friends of friends” you may well lose out on some friends (like Facebook tells you), but you may win more peace of mind.

5. Make a special group for your online dating friends

It may be more convenient for you to add your new online dating buddies to Facebook than continue chatting to them on the dating site, especially if they seem fun and friendly. If you do, consider creating a new friends group and adding them all to that. This way you can control what they see more easily (for example, the aforementioned tagged photos) and collectively avoid them on Facebook chat if you’re not up to being sociable with people who are not close friends. The various privacy options all have a “custom” option, where you can hide stuff from a particular person or group.

Most people turn to me for help with their online dating profiles, but one question I keep being asked is what makes a good first message. I thought I’d write a post about it to give a clearer idea, though obviously these things are pretty individual. There’s generally no one size fits all solution when it comes to love. At the end of the day, if you’re not the other person’s cup of tea, you’re going to have a hard time getting through, even if you write like Shakespeare.

So here are 5 handy rules for writing your winning first message:

1. Make it personal

Both men and women like to feel special. Sending everyone you come across a generic message may save you time, but is likely to also get you fewer responses. By making a reference to the particular person you’re contacting – asking a question, saying you like something in their picture or a particular thing in their profile – you’re more likely to get their attention. Of course, there’s nothing that says you should write a completely new message each time. You can use a generic message as a base, as long as you add a little bit of uniqueness each time.

2. Be polite

Unless you’re dating on a sex site where anything and everything goes, keep it clean. You never know what the other person is looking for, so until you do, don’t make any assumptions. Coming on strong or being graphic or physical is more likely to put people off than anything. Beware of doing things like telling women you contacted them because you liked their chest, for example (yes, people actually do this). This is why sending messages when you’re drunk is never a good idea.

3. Be casual

You may think you’ve just found the man or woman of your dreams but coming on too strong too soon is likely to make anyone run away. To begin with, keep your message friendly but non-committal. Saying you liked someone’s profile (remember, be specific) and would like to get to know them is cool. Telling them you think you’re in love with them straight away is likely to make you look like a stalker or a scammer.

4. Make it of a reasonable length

And by reasonable I mostly mean not too long. While sending just a “hi” is usually not enough, writing volumes and volumes of text in your first message is more likely to get people to run away screaming than a boring, single word message. A single cheeky sentence, a single paragraph or, at most two or three is all that you need to make contact. If you want people to have easy access to information about you then put it in your profile. There’s no need to repeat any of that in your message as well. Simply tell the person to check you out if he or she is curious.

5. Have a hook

This one is somewhat related to making things personal, but involves thinking ahead and making life easier for the person you want to talk to. A hook is something to lure the other person into entering or continuing a conversation with you. Asking questions is usually a good hook – the person is invited to answer the question, so short of giving you the ultimate clue and ignoring you, they’re likely to say something. For your hook, you could comment on something you saw on someone’s profile and ask them a simple question about it (“Where did you live in China? I taught English in Shanghai for 6 months!”) or you could even ask a silly question without doing much else. This way, the other person already has a reason to contact you and an easy way of finding what to write. Using such hooks is also a good way to get a conversation going once it’s started, but be attentive to times when the other person loses interest – messages would get shorter, sometimes turning into single sentence responses to your questions and nothing else. A conversation involving shared interest will most likely have the other person sharing the same amount of information as you, as well as providing their own hooks.

A dinner and a movie is no longer the default date scenario it once was. Frankly, when it comes to having first dates with people you meet online, there are a few more factors you need to consider.
You want your date to be somewhere public and safe (and is a dark cinema the best place for it?), you want to be able to speak to each other comfortably so you can get to know each other and, let’s not forget this, you want to be able to bail if the going gets dull. The net is full of overly creative ideas for first dates to amaze and wow you, but what’s good for a romantic second date with someone you’ve already established you fancy may be well over the top for a casual meeting with someone you may find incredibly not for you. In my opinion, you want the setting to be pleasant, but not to take centre stage. What you really want is something that will serve as a comfortable background, allowing you to interact effectively.

So here are some realistic suggestions for first dates with people you’ve met online.

1. A bar or a pub after work

In the UK, this is probably the most common first date. I realise that in the USA, inviting someone out drinking may make you look like an alcoholic to the vast majority of people, but in the UK and Europe bars and pubs are like cafes and restaurants – no big deal. The “after work” part is handy if you’re in the same town, not so handy if you live hundreds of miles apart and need to drive out to see each other. It does make it more casual and means you can excuse yourself should things get boring. Just replace “pub” with “cafe” or “diner” as appropriate. Choose somewhere comfortable where drinks are within your price range and there are enough corners where you could sit and have a quiet conversation. If you want a place with music, make sure it’s played at a conversational volume so you don’t have to scream to be heard.

2. A coffee in the afternoon

Nothing says “casual” like the afternoon. This is a good option even if you live far away from each other. You just head out, meet in the day time and then head back. If you really want to, you have the freedom to continue the date into the evening and night as well, but if you don’t you can leave and you’ll still have your night free to go out with less boring people.

3. A quick lunch

If you live in the same city or work in the same area this is a great option. It’s casual and it already has set times that are not even defined by you. If your date is dull you have the perfect
excuse to leave and if it’s great then you can arrange to meet in more romantic circumstances later. If you leave further away from each other, you can move the lunch to the weekend in much the same way as the afternoon coffee option.

4. A gallery or a museum

If you’re into this sort of thing, then this is a great option for a date. You’ll get plenty of time to talk and learn about each other’s character. Unlike films, lectures, concerts and other loud, passive date locations, a gallery is quiet and invites instant debate. Don’t go if the concept bores you to death, though.

5. A market

Be it a food market, an antique market or just a general market, taking a stroll through one with your date can be a fun and varied first date. While here you can stop for some food or a coffee or even a few drinks in a pub if you’re in the UK. There are plenty of opportunities to talk and get to know each other when you’re checking out some stalls.

Hey guys! Stressing about what to wear on your first date with the girl you just met online?
Fear not. Here are 5 dos and don’ts that should prevent any wardrobe malfunctions once and for all.

1. Don’t wear a messy, desperate or offensive T-shirt. “Hug me”? Out. Your favourite T-shirt that’s losing the print and is looking pretty shabby nowadays but you love it anyway? Sorry, out. Also, anything offensive or funny in an offensive way that can be misunderstood to make you a racist, chauvinist or any other type of jerk should be kept hidden till you’ve assessed your date’s sense of humour. Unfortunately, that means no Hipster Hitler shirts.

Do wear a clean, cool or plain T-shirt. I’m all for first dates that require nothing fancier than a T-shirt and jeans. If you want to impress your date with your obscure music or cinema knowledge, now’s the time to bring out your cool hip T-shirt and start a conversation.

2. Don’t wear anything uncomfotable. If you’ve decided to buy some new clothes or shoes for your date – wear them in first. If you’ve gained weight since the last time you’ve worn your going out clothes, then invest in new ones, rather than squeeze into an evening of suffocation hell. If you have to spend your entire date doing your version of the Picard Maneuver you’ll be making your life more difficult for nothing.

Do wear well-fitting clothes. Something that fits your size is always going to look more flattering on you even if that size is a size bigger than you’d like to be.

3. Don’t panic buy yourself anything fancy because the lady in the store told you to. It’ll probably make you feel uncomfortable or end up being completely not what your date would have liked.

Do go in jeans and a T-shirt if that’s what you usually wear. Women who are fashion conscious will normally prefer that to the “wrong” kind of fashion choices. They can always help you dress up in a way they find attractive, but many would shy away if they thought you consciously made a fashion choice they find repulsive. If your jeans are tatty and you want to wear something nice, buy the same kind of jeans but new, rather than go wild with so-called trendy cuts.

4. Don’t wear too much aftershave. There is nothing sadder than a man who smells like he’s just bathed in alcoholic perfume.

Do follow the basic hygene rules of a shower and deodorant. Deodorant is really important, I cannot stress this enough.

5. Do pay attention to your shoes. Women do.

Don’t wear your work shoes you panic bought and have hated for years because you’re scared of wearing trainers. Clean, plain-coloured trainers are your safest choice or, failing that, simple shoes without too many bells and whistles, weirdly shaped toes or tassles. This will make your date concentrate on who you are rather than worry too much about what your shoes say about your style.

Meeting someone off the Internet for the first time can be scary for quite a few reasons but picking something appropriate to wear can often seem like the worst aspect of the whole thing. We want to dress to impress, but how do we choose an outfit that will send the right message while also allowing us to be ourselves?

Here are 5 handy tips for you ladies out there that should help you dress for that all-important first date.

1. Don’t wear anything overlty slutty and revealing, unless all you want is a one night stand. Any good stripper will tell you that the hidden is just as exciting to men as the obvious. Some might say it’s even more exciting. You want your date to understand that there is more to you than meets the eye, making him come back for more.

Do wear something understated that makes you look sexy, but without making it looks like you tried to look sexy. Think flattering cuts, longer lengths and colours that are gentle on the eye. A tight jumper that shows off your curves but hides your cleavage is the sort of thing I’m thinking of here (rather than, say, work clothes that are indeed modest but are also dull).

2. Don’t wear too much make up unless you’re a goth or style yourself like Lady Gaga on a daily basis. What constitutes too much make up may vary according to scene and location, but in all cases opt for less, not more.

Do opt for light naturals that highlight your best features but don’t make it look like you made too much of an effort.

3. Don’t wear anything uncomfortable. Those new heels may be exactly what you need to look like a pin up bombshell on your date, but if they pinch your feet to the point where you’re walking funny, the whole effect will be gone in seconds.

Do wear something that makes you feel at your best in both look and feel. Nothing that requires too much attention, hurts you or annoys you in any way. You don’t want to be fiddling with your clothes all evening and looking like you’ve got OCD or running to the bathroom every 5 minutes to fix your hair.

4. Don’t wear your laundry day underwear. You don’t need a shameful secret on your first date.

Do as the French ladies do and dress from the inside out. Regardless of whether or not you’re looking for action on your first date, the confidence you’ll gain from wearing a matching set of sexy underwear will make you feel more confident and in charge of the situation.

5. Don’t make yourself way taller than you are. Research has shown that height is the most common thing men lie about online so you could make an awkward moment even worse by towering over your shorter-than-the-stated-6′ date.

Do wear low heels or flats. This will alleviate some of the potential awkwardness and help enjoy your evening more. If height matters to you, you’ll still be able to tell whether your date lied to you or not and assess the height difference.

If winter, Christmas and the new year’s resolution have made you finally get it together and give online dating a try, then welcome!

Online dating has helped many people find exactly what (and who) they were looking for, so hopefully it will help you too. But there are also many people for whom online dating does nothing at all. While there are many reasons why this could be, here are 5 very common online dating mistakes that would certainly hurt your chances of getting anywhere online.

Mistake number 1: Aiming to fail

Have you joined a dating site because your friends / family / co-workers have told you you should? Are you pretty much convinced everyone you’ll meet online is a loser? Are you still hurting from a past relationship but think you ought to be over it by now?

If you answered “yes” to any of these, you could find that you are actually setting yourself up for failure. Not consciously, of course – as far as you’re concerned, you’re really giving it a go. It’s not you’re fault you’re not getting any responses or that the people who contact you are ugly / freaky / weird, right? Well…

The truth is, if you sign up to a dating site without really wanting to or without actually thinking you might get somewhere and find someone, chances are you really won’t get anywhere. If you’re hurting – give yourself time to heal (hint: it usually takes longer than you’d like and has nothing to do with the duration of the relationship); if you’re convinced everyone dating online is a weirdo – get over it or find a better dating site. When you’re ready to do the work, try online dating again.

Mistake number 2: Picking a site for the wrong reasons

Not all dating sites are the same. Before you spend your time, energy and money on one, take a look around. A site that’s worked out for your friend may be right for you or it may not. A site that says it’s fab in a TV ad may be right for you or it may be not. Look at about 4 or 5 different sites before deciding which one to pay. Looking means signing up for free, running searches and filling out any personality tests available. Don’t look only at free sites, they don’t represent the entire industry.

Mistake number 3: Skimping on the profile and pics

I know you want to get on with things, but your dating profile and pictures are so important. If you have a good profile and good photos in place, they could be doing some of the work for you while you’re doing something else. Writing a good profile is also one of those things you should get out of the way early, or you may get lazy later and decide it’s good enough the way it is, with minimal information.

Mistake number 4: Sitting back

Writing a good profile is important, as I said, and it will do some of the work for you, as I said, but you should be doing most of the work regardless. Some of the most popular sites are also the most competitive so run searches, find people you think you might like and contact them. The more you contact the more chances you have of someone nice responding.

Mistake number 5: Keeping it online

Online dating can be really fun when you first try it – like window shopping people. But remember that your ultimate goal is to get out there and date. Sometimes that means erring on the side of less fussy so you can give someone a chance if he / she seems nice and interesting but maybe not very attractive. Sometimes it means looking beyond online dating and exploring all avenues for finding someone. Either way, human interaction in person is far far better and more important than sitting at your PC.

It’s been a while since I’ve written about the basics of online dating, so I thought it might be time for a quick recap. After all, new people join the world of online dating every day who may not have had the chance to read the old post I’ve written and might not know where to find them.

On the other hand, sometimes I prefer not to repeat myself when I’ve already explained a matter as best I could.

So here are a few links to some of what I believe are my most useful posts on here. For more in depth advice, see my book, Everyone’s Guide to Online Dating or check out the rest of the posts on this blog 🙂

The dating profile

How to write a good online dating profile

Avoiding dating profile cliches

Choosing a photo for your dating profile

Online dating safety

Online dating safety tips

How to spot a scammer

Online dating soldier scam #1

Online dating soldier scam #2

General online dating tips and advice

Find someone before Christmas

Dealing with rejection in online dating

Online dating money saving tip

Another online dating money saving tip

Here’s something to think about – if you’re talking to someone you met and they know your full name, do you know what they’ll find if they Google it?

Most of us wouldn’t think twice about searching the Net for information about someone we’re curious about, but how often do we take the time to check in with what information is available to people who might want to do the same to us?

The majority of dating sites are not geared towards exposing your full name. In fact, most of them advise you not to use your full name when dealing with their other customers. Sometimes, though, you may meet people on social networking sites such as Facebook, etc. and then all bets are off.

Remember also that if you have a distinctive username that’s often associated with your name or anything that could make you stand out from the crowd when it comes to searching for info about you, people will be able to use it to do some basic research on you.

I think this is something we’re just going to have to live with. But even if the Internet can reveal some stuff about your dark past you’d rather people didn’t know, it’s good to be aware of what’s out there. You might not be able to get rid of it, but at least you’ll know what to expect.

In many cases, you can actually do your own reputation management online quite simply.

For example, if there are pictures of you out there you would rather never see again, it never hurts to email the people who run the site they’re on and ask (nicely) for them to be removed.

Sadly, if the problem involves, say, an article on the site of your local newspaper talking about something embarrassing you did in public, you might need to be a bit creative to make that disappear 🙂

If you’re in the market for a new dating site to try, especially if you’re completely new to online dating, it’s good to shop around. In my book, on here and when advising clients privately, I always tell people to sign up to a few sites, set up a profile and check out those sites before deciding where to spend your money. This is because dating sites are all slightly but significantly different and you want to make sure you end up paying the one most likely to help you get what you want.

But even after you’ve paid your money, it’s worth keeping your unpaid profiles on the other sites. Why? Well, firstly (and I’ve said this before as well), it’s a good way to assess whether you’re getting more action on a different site than the one you’re paying. If you have a good profile set up, you may well get people messaging you, not realising you’re not a paying customer. At some points, you could be getting more messages on a different site than the one you’re actively on, so you could decide whether you want to give your current site a break for a while and move to actively using another.

Now, let’s be honest, in the online dating industry, there is one thing dating sites like almost as much as paying customers and that’s non-paying, registered customers. That’s cause nobody knows you didn’t pay, so people may see your profile there and pay specifically so they can message you. Once they’ve paid, dating sites don’t really care if their members message someone who’s never going to answer back – they already have money.
So by having lots of non-paying profiles dotted around, you’re helping dating sites make money in a way some people may think of a sneaky. Still, apart from allowing you to have more options, it can also save you money as well.

Dating sites like it when you’re registered, but they stil prefer it when you pay. If you hang around long enough on a site without paying (and I mean more months and years than days or weeks), you’ll start getting special offers and discounts sent to you, trying to make you convert to a paying customer. I just had one from eHarmony.com, for example, offering me 4 months for the price of 3. That’s quite a significant saving, I’m sure you’ll agree. In the past, I’ve had similar offers from Parship.co.uk and match.com .

The moral of the story? It’s best to have profiles on a few dating sites, rather than just the one. The best thing is to have solid, well-written profiles on each so you can get the full benefit of having a presence anywhere where potential dates hang out, but even if you’re feeling lazy doing this could end up saving you
money when you’re ready to move from one dating site to another.

As you may or may now know, I have a couple of very active threads on this site discussion online dating scams, in particular soldier dating scams. Here’s a comment one helpful lady identifying herself as LilyRose posted the other day. Please read this one and save it somewhere safe. It gives very important information about the difference between real American soldiers serving in Iraq or anywhere else and dodgy African (or other) scammers pretending to be them to scam you out of money:

—
Ladies,

I spent 9 years in the U.S. Navy and I can assure you these so-called American soliders are fake and it makes my blood boil that some skanky foriegner is impersonating a soldier!

Listen up! Any soldier over in Iraq, which the way, we pulled our forces out of there last thursday. Only 50,0000 soldiers remain over in Iraq to train the people over there. So, there are no more “combat” soldiers in Iraq.
A real soldier can not have a civilian request leave on his behalf. A real soldier has a military email address that ends in .Gov

A real soldier can use his own cell phone in Iraq or Kuwait or any other country that will get a signal. They do not need a specail phone. They do not need your money. On top of their own military pay, they also get combat pay. There is really nowhere over there for them to spend their money so they are not broke. Do not let these fake african wannabe soldiers fool you and take your money.

—

Thank you, LilyRose for such a helpful post. Here’s hoping it’ll help many more women avoid being scammed online.
If you’re interested in this subject, please refer to the related posts below for the original scammer-related threads.

An Australian online dating company has recently come out with some useful safety tips for online daters, including a very handy reference guide for the ten most common online dating scams. It’s a good site to check out if you want to educate yourself about the dodgier side of online dating.

Australia has been hit quite hard with online dating scams and online scams in general, so it’s good to see people doing something about it (even if it does get their sites a bit more publicity along the way).

Check out the reference guide here.

You may well recognise some things you’ve already seen online, but have you come across any other interesting ones you’d like to share with others? If so, please post them in the comments below and help educate others.

There are a few interesting trends on the matter of soldier dating scams going on right now on my very blog. Check them out here and here.

Yes it’s that time of year again, at long bloody last. The flowers will soon be out, as will the sun and everyone is feeling a little bit like a good, old-fashioned spring clean.

There’s no better time to take a look at your online dating profile and see whether it too needs a bit of a spring makeover. This is especially true if you’ve been dating online for a while (maybe since your new year’s resolution?) or have been losing interest and hope in your online dating adventures.

So think – is your picture up to scratch? Would a fun new picture of you looking at your best make you feel better about putting yourself out there?

When was the last time you looked over the text in your profile? Does it still represent who you are? Have you done anything exciting recently you’d like to include? Is there anything you’ve learned about who you are and who you’re looking for in the course of your search you think would make an interesting read? I mean positive stuff, of course. Nobody wants to hear you vent about bad dates! 🙂

It could also be time to expand your search criteria on sites that run the searches for you, especially if you’ve been online for a while and not getting enough suggestions.

Either way, taking stock of who you are, where you are and what you want to get out of your online dating experience can be a really good thing, even if you decide all is well with your profile and nothing needs updating.

Think of it as a checkpoint on your quest, just at the point where, say, a new year’s resolution may start to flag.

Just like the new year, spring is also a time of new beginnings, so what better reason do you need to help the seeds you planted previously grow into something beautiful?

It’s that happy time again. Forward thinking to Valentine’s day, Parship.co.uk are letting you use their site for free until Sunday. Hurry up and give it a go if you want to see what it’s all about.
On a site that won’t let you view pictures before you pay, being able to see who you’re talking to for free is a big big plus, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Finding love, like any other journey, is a thing of many different paths all leading to the same goal. Some people prefer to leave things to fate, while others work the odds and try to mathematically and statistically improve their chances of finding someone.

There are always stories around of people finding each other on a dating site that, by right, should have never yielded any results whatsoever. You know the deal – a million profiles of horrible people you never want to meet and then wham! The man or woman of your dreams appears, you chat, fall in love… Who’d have thought?

Luck, fate, pure coincidence… I’ll leave the judgment up to you. Such stories, however, are often touted out by dating sites in an attempt to keep people from leaving a site that is simply not right for them.

But here’s the deal. We all have our types, our likes, turn ons, things we find attractive in a person that make us want to get to know them better.
Some of these things can be (or seem to be) quite shallow – a certain body type, a profession, maybe a certain style, level of income, political view, etc.

But as we all know, a person could be 100% right on paper but totally wrong in real life. There’s no predicting chemistry and long-term compatibility is complex. It’s not enough to be of a certain type to be a compatible, long-term partner. So how can you work with this information to increase your chances of finding the right person?

Let’s say for example that you are a biker and have a thing for other bikers. If you were surrounded by people who are not bikers and a biker showed up, you may well find yourself drawn to that person, maybe even convincing yourself you were more into them than you actually are, just because they ticked a box that is very important to you and your choices are limited.

But put that same person in the context of a bikers’ bar or convention and you would be able to be more selective. Maybe you wouldn’t even look at that person in the same way. Instead of glossing over faults because you’re blinded by one part of the person’s character or style, you would be noticing the things you don’t like and free yourself to pick and choose someone based on the qualities that really matter.

your first job while dating online, then, should be to locate a dating site populated by your kind of people. Be that kind a scene, a vibe, a level of income, whatever. You need to put all those seemingly shallow preferences in their rightful place by making them common rather than rare. Give yourself some real options. The online dating world is full of different sites covering every niche possible. There are millions of people dating online. You just need to start narrowing all of these things down to what can really help you along.

Sure, you may meet someone when you least expect it, but you can’t predict. If you believe in fate then you should believe that it will find you regardless of the choices you make. Work to improve your odds yourself and at the very least you’ll know you’re not putting yourself in a position where you risk choosing people for the wrong reasons.

A strange thing happened to me the other night. I was on a bus going home late at night and got chatting to a couple of young guys who had started talking to me.

As it happens, one of the guys was having a relationship dilemma and I ended up giving him some dating advice. I won’t get into specifics, but the situation involved a new relationship and some recent baggage that could potentially get in the way of things working out.

This has got me thinking. when I give dating profile advice, my role is to help my clients present themselves in the best way online. Although I do try to explain my commentary in a way that would make it clear why some things are not right for a profile, it is not my role to provide psychological therapy or counselling.

For people who learn about the makings of a good profile from a book or online, there is even less online dating support when it comes to taking things beyond the profile.

The truth is, with the right advice and support it’s not very difficult at all to come up with a profile that portrays you as someone most men or women would want to date. But if all those things you take out of the profile were originally put there because of your state of mind, baggage, fears or bitterness, then the thin screen provided by the profile won’t be enough to carry you through the whole dating process.

So take the advice, take out anything that doesn’t fit in with your “dateable” persona, but before you put each one in the bin, take a good look at it and think about what made you include it in the first place. Perhaps there are things you need to address in your life so you can make online dating and dating in general really work out for you.

If you want to get anywhere with online dating, there are a few things you will need to get over. Finding love online is a lot easier if you allow yourself to use all the resources at your disposal. Here are 5 common difficulties you will need to overcome in order to get the most out of your dating experience.

1. The fear of putting your dating profile out there

If you are generally a private person or have a job where you need to exert some form of authority, you may well not like the thought of your dating profile being out on the Internet, where anyone can find it and read it. This is something you will simply need to deal with. In the majority of cases, the only people who would be able to see your dating profile are people who are also dating on the same site you use. If you’re all in the same boat, then you have nothing to worry about, right?

Be aware, though, that some dating sites do let the search engines index their users’ profiles. If you have a very unusual name or use an uncommon phrase in your profile someone might search on, your profile may appear in people’s searches. To see if your dating site does this, put the site’s name into Google, together with a very common first name like “John”. Then start looking at the results. If dating profiles show up, it means yours could as well. If that bothers you – use another site.

2. Feeling ripped off by having to “pay for love”

Nobody likes paying for stuff that should be free, especially with the current financial climate. However, running a good dating site is a full time job for a lot of people and the money needs to come for somewhere. Even free sites get their money by shoving advertising in your face, so you end up paying in some way even if you go for a free site.
Sure, some sites seriously take the piss and charge way too much, but that isn’t to say all dating sites that charge you money are out to seriously rip you off. Accept the fact that you may have to pay some money for quality and do your research, so that you feel you’re getting your money’s worth in terms of service and features.

3. Being embarrassed about getting a second opinion about your profile / photos

Showing your dating profile and photos to your friends can be embarrassing, but getting a second opinion from people of the opposite sex can make all the difference to the results you get online. If at all possible, do share. What you learn about the way other people see you can be quite illuminating and useful.
If you don’t know any suitable people who can take a look at your profile, you can always ask me!

4. Feeling embarrassed about getting a second opinion about potential dates

If your friends are in any way supportive (and if they’re not, why are they still your friends?) it won’t hurt to ask them to help you vet your potential dates if you are unsure. They may be able to see things you can’t, especially if you have a history of going for losers or turning down potential gems. If your friends are any good, they’ll be happy to help you find someone!

5. Being “too cool” to let people know when you go on your first date with someone you met on the Internet

Yes, nobody likes feeling like a teenager checking in with mom, but this is a good habit to get into, especially for women. You can choose how safe you want to play it. Even simply mentioning to a friend that you will be going on a date with a stranger is better than nothing. Some people actually arrange for a friend to call you and see if everything is OK at some point during the evening. This may seem excessive 99.9% of the time, but wouldn’t it be a lifesaver in that all-important 0.01%?

The big online dating “season” is just starting, which makes this a good time to talk about online dating scammers.

I get a lot of people asking me how to spot a scammer online and the truth is, spotting a scammer is at once very difficult and very easy.

Back when I used to work as a moderator, it was my job to spot scammers before they even got a chance to try and scam someone by looking at their profiles, and sometimes the messages they tried to send. Some scammers are easy to spot like that.

They’d be dating on a site set up to accept only people in the UK, but their profile would say they were in Africa (so how did they get the number of a UK credit card, the only type of card they could use to sign up?)

Their pictures would be obviously posed pictures taken in a studio of very attractive women or pictures blatantly scanned from a magazine (grain showing).

Their profiles would be a collection of adjectives (“I’m happy, loving, caring…”) that were sometimes pretty bizarre and obviously taken from a dictionary without being fully understood.

Some would go on about being “God fearing” and ask for money straight away, or even try the Nigerian money scam in their first message!

So yes, these scammers are easy to spot before they even make a move, but obviously not all scammers are that obvious and stupid. Today’s scammers are often far more adept at being indistinguishable from decent people, until they make their move.

That’s the bad news. The good news is that once they make their move, scammers are really easy to spot. This is because scammers want your money, so sooner or later they will make some excuse and ask for money. Sometimes they will work you for a while – weeks or even months – before asking for money, but sooner or later they will. Usually without ever having met you in person.

Unfortunately, by that point, their would be victim is already emotionally invested in the situation, which makes it harder to come to terms with the fact that you’re dealing with a scammer. This is why it’s important to remember that if someone asks you for money so early on, it’s a bad idea, regardless of whether or not they are a professional, known scammer. The best thing to do is refuse and move on.

Online dating sites are certainly the most direct way of meeting other singles online, but as much as online dating professionals hate to admit it, they are not for everyone. If you’ve given online dating a good try and have decided it’s not for you after all, then it’s time for a bit of lateral thinking. You can still use the Net to meet new people, for both friendship and romance. It may not be as direct as going on a dating site, but for many people, that is actually somewhat of an advantage.

Going out there and meeting people is the best thing you can do if you want to get yourself a shiny new relationship. So think of this as a way of making your social schedule busier and getting you out and about. You go out, you meet people, you meet their friends and their friends and so on and who knows where that might lead?

Now, I’m not suggesting you go out there and plaster an equivalent of your dating profile on every communications medium you find, but if you want to recreate the more “natural” way of coming across the right people in the virtual universe, then you’re in luck.

The Internet is full of alternative ways of expanding your social circle. Here are 5 of them:

1. Social networking sites

These make for the obvious choice for many people and range from the big sites like Facebook and Myspace to more interest-specific sites, as well as those sites specifically geared towards meeting up in the real world (like meetup.com).
At first, the online dating industry was worried these free socialising sites would take over and put all dating sites out of business, but this never happened and dating sites retained their appeal.
But while it’s true that the majority of people use sites like Facebook to keep in touch with friends and family, rather than date, these sites are still worth a go.
On Facebook, there are quite a few dating applications that let you use the site as a dating site (Zoosk, for example). Also, using such sites to expand your social circle, find out about meet ups and events and meet exciting new friends-of-friends can be very useful indeed. Try searching for your interests/hobbies and looking in the “groups” and “events” sections to see what’s around.
If you are already signed up to a social dating site, it won’t hurt to set your status to “single” and check out some of the dating applications available. You don’t have to turn your Facebook profile into a dating profile to make use of them, either.

2. Forums

If you’re interested in finding someone who shares your interests, you could do worse than joining and participating in a few forums related to your hobbies and interests. Sure, it’s not a dating site, so there’s no guarantees people there are single, but it’s a good way to meet new people and get out of the house occasionally. Local forums are better for this purpose, of course, so you can have a chance of participating in a monthly meet up without having to buy a plane ticket.

3. Mailing lists

Similarly to forums, these are a good way of connecting with like-minded people online. Usually, there are list-related meet ups and events and depending on the list you’re on they can be regular. Plenty of Yahoo and Google groups exist as a cross between a mailing list and a forum.

4. Communities and interest pages

Searching the Web for “[insert your interest/hobby here] meetup” (or meet or any related terms) could bring some results, as well as scouring the pages of sites like craigslist.org or gumtree.com for local events (or organising your own). There are many groups that meet up once a week/month/whenever that may have their own page up but are a bit behind on joining the social media revolution, so may not appear on social networking sites just yet.

5. Online gaming

Although mutli-player gaming is often a lonely, couch-bound activity, I know of a few people who met and fell in love while playing online games. If gaming is your thing, maybe it’s time to make a bit more effort to get to know the people you’re playing with. Beware of hairy bikers pretending to be nubile young women, though, unless you’re into hairy bikers).

What other methods have you used online that were helpful to you? Were there any you tried that were unhelpful?

Summer is definitely over (unless you live in the Southern hemisphere), the nights are drawing in and, while Christmas seems a long way away, it’s really only about 3 months away.

If you hate being single during the holidays and are looking for romance, rather than just a casual fling, now’s the time to start thinking about preparing your lovelife for winter.

Here are 5 things you can do right now to get started:

1. Attend a singles’ party

Strutt your stuff while you still have your beach body on and you can still show off some skin without freezing or looking unwell. There are plenty of parties to choose from all year round, including wine and beer tastings, poker nights and even singles’ holidays (so you can get away from winter when things start getting nasty). See my previous post about singles’ events for more info.

2. Kickstart your online dating career

If you’re not already dating online, now’s the time to start if you want to give yourself plenty of time to find someone. Looking at at least 5 different dating sites will give you a good idea as to what’s out there. You don’t have to pay for all of them, but setting up a free profile will help you gauge the level of response you get.

Are you already dating online? How’s your dating site working out for you? It might be time to check out a few other sites -things could have changed since the last time you looked!

3. Prepare your dating profile for winter

This is a good time to spruce up your dating profile, add some up-to-date pictures, write about exciting things you’ve been doing over the summer, etc. Of course, this is an on-going job – a profile is forever a work in progress.

4. Plan ahead to make yourself feel desirable through winter

Winter is traditionally a period of less exercise and more comfort food. If this sounds like you, then why not beat the New Year’s Resolution rush and start early? Whatever it is that makes you feel sexy and desirable – joining a gym, attending a yoga class, taking up martial arts – get yourself into the habit of doing it now, before the worst of the weather sets in.

5. Find things to get you out of the house and socialising

Of course, it’s not all about how you look. More often that not, confidence comes from how you feel (though most of us tend to feel good when we believe we look good). This time of year is great for starting a new hobby or attending an evening class, a book club, etc. These are all good ways of meeting new people, learning a new skill or developing an existing one. Apart from introducing you to new social groups, learning a new skill is a great confidence booster – especially if it’s something you’ve always wanted to do and never thought you could.

Even if you can’t afford to attend an actual class in your area, there are usually places where you can advertise for skill swaps (try gumtree.com for ideas, remember to always meet in a public place!) or find out about free meet ups for like-minded people (meetup.com).
You can also try MakeFriendsOnline, a dating site that is built around having its members arrange free, regular meet ups.