Online Dating Tips
This is where I collect all my online dating tips and Internet dating advice. Together this is quite a lot of information about how to get your online dating experience right and which mistakes to avoid. This is regularly updated with new advice posts, so if you’re confused, disillusioned or disheartened with your dating and lovelife, this is probably the best place to start.
Here’s a dating thought for the day. There’s often talk of how fairytale romance (think Disney) has made us have unreasonable standards when it comes to love. Little girls are taught to wait around for Prince Charming and many of us grow up feeling like we’re missing out on something amazing, always looking for the perfect man or woman and feeling vaguely disappointed by the reality of our relationships.
So the answer to that? We’re told compromise is a must, that nobody’s perfect (including, of course, us) and that we need to accept the fact that there is no Prince Charming. All good, important stuff, but here’s the thing. Take this backlash to the extreme and what do you get? Another fairytale! In this fairytale, the beautiful prince is trapped in a frog’s body. You kiss the frog (i.e. compromise) and it turned into your wonderful Prince Charming, giving you the ultimate happiness you desire.
Now, I’m not disputing the fact that relationships often involve compromises, especially the ones you want to last. I’m also not disputing the fact that a significant number of happy couples would never have gotten together had they not compromised on things they once thought mattered.
What I’m saying is that it’s important to know when to compromise your standards and when to hold out. The mere act of compromising won’t be your magic key to unlock the door to ultimate happiness.
In matters of love, you should lead with your heart and your body and not with your head. That is, unless all you want is a child and you’re willing to make your love life nothing more than a business transaction to attain said child.
If you don’t fancy someone and there is no chemistry between you, don’t force it. My experience of talking to couples who got together even though they didn’t fit each other’s “type” has taught me that there was always some sort of spark there that made whoever it was who was uncertain at first give their partner a chance anyway.
If you feel that you have to ignore your heart or your body because you feel that you ought to be in a relationship for some reason or other, then you’re onto a loser. All you’ll get at the end is the same frog you started off with.
As much as some online dating sites would like you to think that your intuition and instincts fail when it comes to forming happy, long-term relationships, let’s not forget that people have been loving each other for thousands of years.
May 26th, 2011
Most people have Facebook accounts nowadays, though in my experience, even the most avid Facebook users would shy away from using the site for strict online dating. When it comes to hooking up with complete strangers, rather than friends of friends, people still prefer the relative anonymity of dating sites. But let’s face it, the Facebook / online dating crossover isn’t just about the things you do by choice. Once you reveal enough about yourself to your new online beau or belle, they’re going to be rushing to Facebook and checking out your profile. Some may even ask you for your Facebook details, making it hard to refuse. This opens up a whole can of worms, from having your Facebook profile embarrass you with bad photos to giving personal information out to someone who may turn out to be a freaky stalker. You want to make sure your Facebook is ready for this onslaught in every possible way.
Here are 5 things you can do to make this integration smoother.
1. Watch your profile pic.
You’ve gone all out with your dating site pics, showing off your best side, but your Facebook pic is a blurry, unflattering shot of you pulling faces while drunk at a party. FAIL. No matter what you do, your Facebook profile pic will be seen by anyone looking at your profile, so if you’re trying to get dates, make sure it’s also up to scratch.
2. Make everything private
You can make most things on your Facebook profile private to anyone who isn’t already your friend or your friends’ friend. You then have the choice of who to share your information with, rather than the choice being forced upon you. Just go into your privacy settings and make sure nothing it set to “everyone”.
3. Control your tags
You don’t want last night’s drunken hen or stag night shots popping up on your profile when you’re trying to charm your future husband or wife. Luckily, Facebook lets you decide who can see these in your privacy settings. Choose “only friends” or even “only me” and the problem is solved.
4. Stop random people from searching for you on Facebook
In the “connecting on Facebook” section of your privacy settings, you can control who can search for you on the site. Setting it to everyone means any random person can look you up. This may mean more friends from your forgotten past, but it could also mean people you don’t know very well can look up your profile. If you reduce the permissions to “friends of friends” you may well lose out on some friends (like Facebook tells you), but you may win more peace of mind.
5. Make a special group for your online dating friends
It may be more convenient for you to add your new online dating buddies to Facebook than continue chatting to them on the dating site, especially if they seem fun and friendly. If you do, consider creating a new friends group and adding them all to that. This way you can control what they see more easily (for example, the aforementioned tagged photos) and collectively avoid them on Facebook chat if you’re not up to being sociable with people who are not close friends. The various privacy options all have a “custom” option, where you can hide stuff from a particular person or group.
May 14th, 2011
Recently, more and more people have been commenting on this blog and saying they’ve met scammers on Facebook, pretending to be British or American soldiers stationed abroad. It seems social networking is turning into a battle ground as well.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, a recent study has revealed that social networking sites have overtaken dating sites when it comes to stalking. Cyberstalkers can target complete strangers on social networking sites such as Facebook and the victims can be both women (60%) and men (40%). Unlike real life stalking that’s often the result of a past relationship or an actual acquaintance, cyberstalking does not depend on the victim having more than a casual acquaintance with the stalker. Sometimes, the stalker can be a total stranger.
Unsurprisingly, cyberstalking has overtaken real life stalking. After all, it’s easier to do and you don’t actually need to know the victim…
This cyberstalking can involve repeated unwanted messages or it can involve serious intimidating and even death threats. It would seem the Internet is the choice of weapon for weirdos who think the anonymity it offers puts them above the law or under the radar.
You can read the Guardian article about the survey here, which offers advice on what to do if you’re being cyberstalked.
But I’d like to offer a different sort of advice. Websites like Facebook are notorious for compromising your privacy in all kinds of ways you’ve never even dreamed of. If you want to protect yourself from stalkers, consider taking the following steps when using Facebook:
* In your privacy settings on Facebook, avoid using the “everyone” setting for sharing anything such as your status updates, photos, etc.. Show as little as possible of your profile to strangers.
* In your “connecting on Facebook” settings (also in the privacy settings), you can decide whether you want everyone to be able to send you a friend request, message you, see your friends’ list, etc. It’s up to you how private you want to be. If you’re happy just being in touch with your friends and their friends, you can stop anyone else from every contacting you or adding you as a friend.
* I know people love all these checking in services, but personally I think they suck. The right to privacy is something that was bought in blood from big brother totalitarian governments. Now whole generations are happily broadcasting their whereabouts to the world without giving it a second thought. Apart from the businesses themselves, the only people who care about the fact that a person’s checked in at a supermarket or a petrol station are obsessives and stalkers. Seriously. I say avoid using these services completely, not just because they’re compromising your privacy but also because any tiny benefits they could give you are totally outweighed by the benefit to the businesses involved and the fact that they are using you for free advertising. Your privacy is precious so don’t sell yourself short.
I know a bar that offers people a free drink if they check in there 15 times. I’d rather stick with a paper punch card or, a radical thought, buy my own drink and maintain my privacy (and dignity). No free drink is worth advertising to the world where I am at any given moment 1984-style.
If you must use these services, for example, Facebook’s one, make sure you limit who can see your check ins (also in the privacy settings). I suggest limiting this to your friends only and choosing your Facebook friends wisely.
April 12th, 2011
Most people turn to me for help with their online dating profiles, but one question I keep being asked is what makes a good first message. I thought I’d write a post about it to give a clearer idea, though obviously these things are pretty individual. There’s generally no one size fits all solution when it comes to love. At the end of the day, if you’re not the other person’s cup of tea, you’re going to have a hard time getting through, even if you write like Shakespeare.
So here are 5 handy rules for writing your winning first message:
- Make it personal
Both men and women like to feel special. Sending everyone you come across a generic message may save you time, but is likely to also get you fewer responses. By making a reference to the particular person you’re contacting – asking a question, saying you like something in their picture or a particular thing in their profile – you’re more likely to get their attention. Of course, there’s nothing that says you should write a completely new message each time. You can use a generic message as a base, as long as you add a little bit of uniqueness each time.
- Be polite
Unless you’re dating on a sex site where anything and everything goes, keep it clean. You never know what the other person is looking for, so until you do, don’t make any assumptions. Coming on strong or being graphic or physical is more likely to put people off than anything. Beware of doing things like telling women you contacted them because you liked their chest, for example (yes, people actually do this). This is why sending messages when you’re drunk is never a good idea.
- Be casual
You may think you’ve just found the man or woman of your dreams but coming on too strong too soon is likely to make anyone run away. To begin with, keep your message friendly but non-committal. Saying you liked someone’s profile (remember, be specific) and would like to get to know them is cool. Telling them you think you’re in love with them straight away is likely to make you look like a stalker or a scammer.
- Make it of a reasonable length
And by reasonable I mostly mean not too long. While sending just a “hi” is usually not enough, writing volumes and volumes of text in your first message is more likely to get people to run away screaming than a boring, single word message. A single cheeky sentence, a single paragraph or, at most two or three is all that you need to make contact. If you want people to have easy access to information about you then put it in your profile. There’s no need to repeat any of that in your message as well. Simply tell the person to check you out if he or she is curious.
- Have a hook
This one is somewhat related to making things personal, but involves thinking ahead and making life easier for the person you want to talk to. A hook is something to lure the other person into entering or continuing a conversation with you. Asking questions is usually a good hook – the person is invited to answer the question, so short of giving you the ultimate clue and ignoring you, they’re likely to say something. For your hook, you could comment on something you saw on someone’s profile and ask them a simple question about it (“Where did you live in China? I taught English in Shanghai for 6 months!”) or you could even ask a silly question without doing much else. This way, the other person already has a reason to contact you and an easy way of finding what to write. Using such hooks is also a good way to get a conversation going once it’s started, but be attentive to times when the other person loses interest – messages would get shorter, sometimes turning into single sentence responses to your questions and nothing else. A conversation involving shared interest will most likely have the other person sharing the same amount of information as you, as well as providing their own hooks.
March 15th, 2011
A dinner and a movie is no longer the default date scenario it once was. Frankly, when it comes to having first dates with people you meet online, there are a few more factors you need to consider.
You want your date to be somewhere public and safe (and is a dark cinema the best place for it?), you want to be able to speak to each other comfortably so you can get to know each other and, let’s not forget this, you want to be able to bail if the going gets dull. The net is full of overly creative ideas for first dates to amaze and wow you, but what’s good for a romantic second date with someone you’ve already established you fancy may be well over the top for a casual meeting with someone you may find incredibly not for you. In my opinion, you want the setting to be pleasant, but not to take centre stage. What you really want is something that will serve as a comfortable background, allowing you to interact effectively.
So here are some realistic suggestions for first dates with people you’ve met online.
- A bar or a pub after work
In the UK, this is probably the most common first date. I realise that in the USA, inviting someone out drinking may make you look like an alcoholic to the vast majority of people, but in the UK and Europe bars and pubs are like cafes and restaurants – no big deal. The “after work” part is handy if you’re in the same town, not so handy if you live hundreds of miles apart and need to drive out to see each other. It does make it more casual and means you can excuse yourself should things get boring. Just replace “pub” with “cafe” or “diner” as appropriate. Choose somewhere comfortable where drinks are within your price range and there are enough corners where you could sit and have a quiet conversation. If you want a place with music, make sure it’s played at a conversational volume so you don’t have to scream to be heard.
- A coffee in the afternoon
Nothing says “casual” like the afternoon. This is a good option even if you live far away from each other. You just head out, meet in the day time and then head back. If you really want to, you have the freedom to continue the date into the evening and night as well, but if you don’t you can leave and you’ll still have your night free to go out with less boring people.
- A quick lunch
If you live in the same city or work in the same area this is a great option. It’s casual and it already has set times that are not even defined by you. If your date is dull you have the perfect
excuse to leave and if it’s great then you can arrange to meet in more romantic circumstances later. If you leave further away from each other, you can move the lunch to the weekend in much the same way as the afternoon coffee option.
- A gallery or a museum
If you’re into this sort of thing, then this is a great option for a date. You’ll get plenty of time to talk and learn about each other’s character. Unlike films, lectures, concerts and other loud, passive date locations, a gallery is quiet and invites instant debate. Don’t go if the concept bores you to death, though.
- A market
Be it a food market, an antique market or just a general market, taking a stroll through one with your date can be a fun and varied first date. While here you can stop for some food or a coffee or even a few drinks in a pub if you’re in the UK. There are plenty of opportunities to talk and get to know each other when you’re checking out some stalls.
February 28th, 2011
First dates can be stressful, but they really needn’t be. When meeting someone off a dating site for the first time, most people nowadays opt for a casual meeting, rather than a full blown, romantic restaurant date. But no matter whether you’re going for a meal or for a coffee or a beer, there are still things you need to watch for that could easily make the other person not want to see you again.
I’ll ignore things to do with physical appearance as I’ve already written about those in this blog, but let’s talk about behaviour today!
- Don’t be late
To be clear, every rule has exceptions, especially when it comes to love. This one in particular can be forgotten in cases when you’re off to meet someone in another city and get terribly lost. For more normal dates in your own city, though, there is no excuse. Being late to a first date can make your date think you don’t care about meeting him or her. While being 5 minutes early or right on the dot can seem a bit nerdy, being more than a few minutes late is going to set you off to a really bad start. That feeling of “oh my god! Have I been stood up?” is not going to put your date in the mood for love, that’s for sure. If you find that you might be late, text or call the person to say so at least 5 minutes before the time you’ve arranged, so that they know you didn’t ditch them.
- Don’t split hairs over the bill
This is especially for the guys, as there’s always that discussion about whether guys should pay and some guys get twitchy about it. For the record, I personally think on a first date people should split the bill, but even then you could still screw things up by going over every little thing your date had ordered and pointing it out to her. If you want the woman to think you’re super nice, offer to pay for the whole meal (and follow through if she doesn’t insist on paying). If you’re sharing, just go halves or, if you had more expensive stuff, offer to pay more. No one like’s a cheapskate.
- Don’t make or take overly long phone calls
If your date is boring you, make your excuses and leave, but never just “hint” at it by having your whole social life on the phone while on your date. I know some people will do it even if they’re not bored on the date, but then it’s even worse! Being accessible by phone while on a first date is important, especially for women who may need it for security, but give your date the benefit of your time and attention, rather than make them feel second best.
- Don’t be rude or dismissive to service staff, homeless guys, etc.
Even on a casual date, you’re still being somewhat assessed. If you act like a jerk to people around you who may seem less important to you, your date will know you’re a jerk. Annoying waiter? Laugh it off. Presistent homeless guy? Be assertive but polite. Even if you shower your date with attention and niceness on the date, he or she will view your rudeness to others as a really bad sign.
- Don’t forget about the safety rules
If you’re a saavy urbanite, you could easily make the mistake of thinking the safety rules are not really for you. But while I don’t suggest you bring a bodyguard with you to your date, the basics should really be on your mind. Always. So meet in an easily accessible public place and make sure you have your own transport to and from the date. Let a friend know you’re going on a date and that they should maybe check up on you later. How much of a checking up is up to you. Some people are happy for a text, some prefer the friend to call half way (to quickly say if they need a rescue from boredom or worse) and some even go as far as to have their wingman sit somewhere nearby just in case or openly bring a friend as a chaperone.
Either way, it’s better to be oversafe than sorry.
February 25th, 2011
Hey guys! Stressing about what to wear on your first date with the girl you just met online?
Fear not. Here are 5 dos and don’ts that should prevent any wardrobe malfunctions once and for all.
1. Don’t wear a messy, desperate or offensive T-shirt. “Hug me”? Out. Your favourite T-shirt that’s losing the print and is looking pretty shabby nowadays but you love it anyway? Sorry, out. Also, anything offensive or funny in an offensive way that can be misunderstood to make you a racist, chauvinist or any other type of jerk should be kept hidden till you’ve assessed your date’s sense of humour. Unfortunately, that means no Hipster Hitler shirts.
Do wear a clean, cool or plain T-shirt. I’m all for first dates that require nothing fancier than a T-shirt and jeans. If you want to impress your date with your obscure music or cinema knowledge, now’s the time to bring out your cool hip T-shirt and start a conversation.
2. Don’t wear anything uncomfotable. If you’ve decided to buy some new clothes or shoes for your date – wear them in first. If you’ve gained weight since the last time you’ve worn your going out clothes, then invest in new ones, rather than squeeze into an evening of suffocation hell. If you have to spend your entire date doing your version of the Picard Maneuver you’ll be making your life more difficult for nothing.
Do wear well-fitting clothes. Something that fits your size is always going to look more flattering on you even if that size is a size bigger than you’d like to be.
3. Don’t panic buy yourself anything fancy because the lady in the store told you to. It’ll probably make you feel uncomfortable or end up being completely not what your date would have liked.
Do go in jeans and a T-shirt if that’s what you usually wear. Women who are fashion conscious will normally prefer that to the “wrong” kind of fashion choices. They can always help you dress up in a way they find attractive, but many would shy away if they thought you consciously made a fashion choice they find repulsive. If your jeans are tatty and you want to wear something nice, buy the same kind of jeans but new, rather than go wild with so-called trendy cuts.
4. Don’t wear too much aftershave. There is nothing sadder than a man who smells like he’s just bathed in alcoholic perfume.
Do follow the basic hygene rules of a shower and deodorant. Deodorant is really important, I cannot stress this enough.
5. Do pay attention to your shoes. Women do.
Don’t wear your work shoes you panic bought and have hated for years because you’re scared of wearing trainers. Clean, plain-coloured trainers are your safest choice or, failing that, simple shoes without too many bells and whistles, weirdly shaped toes or tassles. This will make your date concentrate on who you are rather than worry too much about what your shoes say about your style.
January 22nd, 2011
Meeting someone off the Internet for the first time can be scary for quite a few reasons but picking something appropriate to wear can often seem like the worst aspect of the whole thing. We want to dress to impress, but how do we choose an outfit that will send the right message while also allowing us to be ourselves?
Here are 5 handy tips for you ladies out there that should help you dress for that all-important first date.
1. Don’t wear anything overlty slutty and revealing, unless all you want is a one night stand. Any good stripper will tell you that the hidden is just as exciting to men as the obvious. Some might say it’s even more exciting. You want your date to understand that there is more to you than meets the eye, making him come back for more.
Do wear something understated that makes you look sexy, but without making it looks like you tried to look sexy. Think flattering cuts, longer lengths and colours that are gentle on the eye. A tight jumper that shows off your curves but hides your cleavage is the sort of thing I’m thinking of here (rather than, say, work clothes that are indeed modest but are also dull).
2. Don’t wear too much make up unless you’re a goth or style yourself like Lady Gaga on a daily basis. What constitutes too much make up may vary according to scene and location, but in all cases opt for less, not more.
Do opt for light naturals that highlight your best features but don’t make it look like you made too much of an effort.
3. Don’t wear anything uncomfortable. Those new heels may be exactly what you need to look like a pin up bombshell on your date, but if they pinch your feet to the point where you’re walking funny, the whole effect will be gone in seconds.
Do wear something that makes you feel at your best in both look and feel. Nothing that requires too much attention, hurts you or annoys you in any way. You don’t want to be fiddling with your clothes all evening and looking like you’ve got OCD or running to the bathroom every 5 minutes to fix your hair.
4. Don’t wear your laundry day underwear. You don’t need a shameful secret on your first date.
Do as the French ladies do and dress from the inside out. Regardless of whether or not you’re looking for action on your first date, the confidence you’ll gain from wearing a matching set of sexy underwear will make you feel more confident and in charge of the situation.
5. Don’t make yourself way taller than you are. Research has shown that height is the most common thing men lie about online so you could make an awkward moment even worse by towering over your shorter-than-the-stated-6′ date.
Do wear low heels or flats. This will alleviate some of the potential awkwardness and help enjoy your evening more. If height matters to you, you’ll still be able to tell whether your date lied to you or not and assess the height difference.
January 17th, 2011
If winter, Christmas and the new year’s resolution have made you finally get it together and give online dating a try, then welcome!
Here are some common online dating mistakes you may wish to avoid when starting out dating online.
Continue Reading December 28th, 2010
Online dating is not for everyone and it can be a slow, frustrating experience. But what I find is that many people tend to make life more difficult for themselves, by putting much money, time and effort into dating sites that are wrong for them. How long should you give a dating site before moving on?
Continue Reading November 28th, 2010
Looking for free online dating advice and can’t be bothered to search the whole of this blog for relevant posts? Here are a few pointers to posts that answer some of the most common online dating questions.
Continue Reading November 23rd, 2010
There are a few very active posts on this site discussing the online dating soldier scam (see related posts below for the list). It’s generally understood that this scam is usually perpetrated by men against women.
I just had a comment (see comment #84) posted on the site from a man who came across a “woman” online who claimed to be a US soldier and reeled off the same sort of bullshit the male scammers use on female victims.
I guess it makes sense that both men and women would be targeted, but I have never come across a female version of this particular scam.
So men, beware. Apart from the more familiar damsel in distress female scammers out there, you may also come across pretend female soldiers.
Luckily, it seems these scammers are as simple to spot as their male counterparts, once you familiarise yourself with their methods.
October 11th, 2010
Here’s something to think about – if you’re talking to someone you met and they know your full name, do you know what they’ll find if they Google it?
Continue Reading September 27th, 2010
If you’re in the market for a new dating site to try, especially if you’re completely new to online dating, it’s good to shop around. In my book, on here and when advising clients privately, I always tell people to sign up to a few sites, set up a profile and check out those sites before deciding where to spend your money. This is because dating sites are all slightly but significantly different and you want to make sure you end up paying the one most likely to help you get what you want.
Continue Reading September 19th, 2010
As you may or may now know, I have a couple of very active threads on this site discussion online dating scams, in particular soldier dating scams. Here’s a comment one helpful lady identifying herself as LilyRose posted the other day. Please read this one and save it somewhere safe. It gives very important information about the difference between real American soldiers serving in Iraq or anywhere else and dodgy African (or other) scammers pretending to be them to scam you out of money.
Continue Reading September 2nd, 2010
New research suggests online daters have a false sense of security when dating online. But is the increasingly popular trend of pushing for intrusive background checks the way the online industry should go?
Continue Reading June 30th, 2010
You can try to ignore the FIFA world cup, but chances are that if you are in the UK, you won’t be able to. Signs, flags, big screen TVs and the eternal sound of the dreaded vuvuzelas are everywere and online dating, too, takes its traditional hit, with a small but significant slump during game time.
Continue Reading June 18th, 2010
I seem to have blinked and missed the global day of action against online scams, but if you’ve been a victim of online fraud of the online dating variety (and, of course, any other variety, but this is an online dating blog) and are a UK resident, you are encouraged to report it to the UK’s National Fraud Authority where each complaint is taken very seriously.
Check out the press release.
This is good news in a way, but the fact that “millions of Britons” are losing a total sum of 3.5 billion pounds a year to online scammers is pretty worrying.
June 9th, 2010
An Australian online dating company has recently come out with some useful safety tips for online daters, including a very handy reference guide for the ten most common online dating scams. It’s a good site to check out if you want to educate yourself about the dodgier side of online dating.
Australia has been hit quite hard with online dating scams and online scams in general, so it’s good to see people doing something about it (even if it does get their sites a bit more publicity along the way).
Continue Reading June 9th, 2010
Yes it’s that time of year again, at long bloody last. The flowers will soon be out, as will the sun and everyone is feeling a little bit like a good, old-fashioned spring clean.
There’s no better time to take a look at your online dating profile and see whether it too needs a bit of a spring makeover. This is especially true if you’ve been dating online for a while (maybe since your new year’s resolution?) or have been losing interest and hope in your online dating adventures.
So think – is your picture up to scratch? Would a fun new picture of you looking at your best make you feel better about putting yourself out there?
When was the last time you looked over the text in your profile? Does it still represent who you are? Have you done anything exciting recently you’d like to include? Is there anything you’ve learned about who you are and who you’re looking for in the course of your search you think would make an interesting read? I mean positive stuff, of course. Nobody wants to hear you vent about bad dates! 
It could also be time to expand your search criteria on sites that run the searches for you, especially if you’ve been online for a while and not getting enough suggestions.
Either way, taking stock of who you are, where you are and what you want to get out of your online dating experience can be a really good thing, even if you decide all is well with your profile and nothing needs updating.
Think of it as a checkpoint on your quest, just at the point where, say, a new year’s resolution may start to flag.
Just like the new year, spring is also a time of new beginnings, so what better reason do you need to help the seeds you planted previously grow into something beautiful?
March 21st, 2010
CNN ran a weird article recently, about people who lie on online dating sites. The article details research done by a professor in the University of Kansas, looking into people’s lying habits on one “big long-term relationship dating site” (unnamed, but I have my suspicions).
The researcher spoke to over 5000 people and asked them whether they would lie on a dating site and why.
The results seem to imply that those people who said they would lie are the type of people who want to please people and tell them what they want to hear. They don’t lie out of malice, but because they want people to like them.
Both the article and the research seem to blatantly ignore things such as scammers, married people passing themselves off as single and players passing themselves off as serious.
All of these are, sadly, a big part of the online dating industry, which people should be told about and taught how to spot and avoid. Unfortunately, I doubt any of those types of online dating liars would take the time to answer the good professor’s survey and share with us the reasons why they choose to lie and cheat.
On the other hand, we’ve learned that people who are lonely, looking for a serious relationship and willing to take a (most likely lengthy) survey for no personal gain are apparently keen to please. Who’d have thought?
And… get this!
“Online daters shouldn’t be concerned that most people are presenting a false impression of themselves,” Hall said in a news release before Thursday’s phone interview. “What influences face-to-face dating influences the online world, too.”
The fact that the professors conducting this survey tell people that they don’t have to worry about people lying to them online just shows me how out of touch they are with what’s going on out there. The only worthwhile conclusion of this so called “research” is what everyone in the online dating industry knows already and has done for years:
the people who would lie to you online are the same people who’d lie to you in the real world, be they scammers, compulsive liars, cheats or just “self-monitors”, to use a term from the article itself.
Did someone actually pay for this research? If I were paying taxes in America I’d be well pissed off.
You can read the full text of this, frankly rather lame, article here.
March 8th, 2010
It’s that happy time again. Forward thinking to Valentine’s day, Parship.co.uk are letting you use their site for free until Sunday. Hurry up and give it a go if you want to see what it’s all about.
On a site that won’t let you view pictures before you pay, being able to see who you’re talking to for free is a big big plus, I’m sure you’ll agree.
February 5th, 2010
How do fate and luck factor into online dating? What can we do to improve our chances when dating online, to prevent ourselves from falling for the wrong people?
Continue Reading February 3rd, 2010
Online dating is all well and good, but limiting your social life to online interaction will do you no favours. For many people, it takes a while before all those profile searches, winks and messages turn into actual dates. So in the meantime you should be looking at additional ways of getting yourself out of the house and into social situations where you will meet new people.
Continue Reading November 25th, 2009
A weekly roundup of some online dating stories and offers from around the Internet and the world, as well as my own commentary, of course. This week – an offer from eHarmony, a new iPhone app and some new online dating research.
Continue Reading November 20th, 2009
A good profile in itself is not enough to make your online dating experience successful. The truth is, with the right advice and support it’s not very difficult at all to come up with a profile that portrays you as someone most men or women would want to date. But if all those things you take out of the profile were originally put there because of your state of mind, baggage, fears or bitterness, then the thin screen provided by the profile won’t be enough to carry you through the whole dating process.
Continue Reading November 12th, 2009
If you want to get anywhere with online dating, there are a few things you will need to get over. Finding love online is a lot easier if you allow yourself to use all the resources at your disposal. Here are 5 common difficulties you will need to overcome in order to get the most out of your dating experience.
Continue Reading October 19th, 2009
I get a lot of people asking me how to spot a scammer online and the truth is, spotting a scammer is at once very difficult and very easy.
Continue Reading October 7th, 2009
Online dating sites are certainly the most direct way of meeting other singles online, but as much as online dating professionals hate to admit it, they are not for everyone. If you’ve given online dating a good try and have decided it’s not for you after all, then it’s time for a bit of lateral thinking. You can still use the Net to meet new people, for both friendship and romance. It may not be as direct as going on a dating site, but for many people, that is actually somewhat of an advantage.
Continue Reading October 2nd, 2009
If you hate being single during the holidays and are looking for romance, rather than just a casual fling, now’s the time to start thinking about preparing your lovelife for winter.
Continue Reading September 22nd, 2009
New figures released by dating site OKCupid reveal some interesting things about online dating response rates and important information about sending your first message to someone online.
Continue Reading September 12th, 2009
If you are struggling to write your dating profile, here are five tips that will help get you started. Take your time, and remember everything is a work in progress.
Continue Reading August 20th, 2009
Writing an online dating profile is not easy. Maybe that’s why many people end up relying on cliches in theirs. As an online dating consultant, I’ve seen my share of profiles (thousands) and there are definite trends when it comes to writing them. In fact, the majority of profiles I come across read more or less the same. When I provide dating profile writing services I try to get people out of the trap of stating the obvious in their profile, but if you’re looking for dating profile examples to help you write yours, here are five dating profile cliches you’ll want to avoid.
Continue Reading August 11th, 2009
I recently read one of those annoying articles about online dating and what a great disappointment it is.
I often wonder what people expect from online dating to be so unpleasantly surprised by the reality of it.
In my experience, such disappointment is often a product of unreasonable expectations. Yes, some sites are better than others and some people are more easily suited to online dating than others, but ultimately, if you expect online dating to solve all your problems, you will most likely be disappointed.
Here are some things you shouldn’t expect online dating to do for you:
Continue Reading July 23rd, 2009
For most people, the online dating profile is a work in progress. It changes as they use the site(s) they’re on and it adapts as they get responses and learn more about the type of people who contact them.
Sometimes this is a good thing, but all too often I see people, obviously fed up of getting the wrong type of responses (or being in the wrong type of relationships), who decide to address the issue in their profile… with terrible consequences.
Continue Reading June 22nd, 2009
If you’re here then you probably already know that uploading a picture to your online dating profile is a must. Most people won’t even bother looking at your profile without one and many will make snap judgements about you based on the photo you upload.
Unless you’re comfortable and natural in front of a camera and already know your best side, this will have undoubtedly caused you some concern by now. In general, women tend to overdo it, whereas men are notoriously bad at picking unflattering photos. There are, of course exceptions…
Here are some tips for helping you choose the right photo:
Continue Reading June 11th, 2009
Much has been written about how to handle rejection. Being rejected on the Internet can be just as painful as being rejected in real life. Remember this, because this post is actually not about handling rejection, but about doing the rejecting.
Continue Reading May 21st, 2009
It’s no secret that many people are put off by online dating because they think so many people on there lie about stuff like marriage/relationship status. While Internet dating players are not any more or less common than their offline counterparts (and then to appear more often than not in the lives of those online daters who turn to attract bad apples wherever they go), it’s true that it lends itself to milder cases of people bending the truth.
Continue Reading April 18th, 2009
A while back, I warned about a common online dating scam involving an Iraqi soldier.
Now news has come out about a British woman who fell victim to a very similar scam, losing £10k in the process. The scammer pretended to be an American soldier serving in Afghanistan.
Continue Reading April 11th, 2009
If you want to increase the level of responses you get on dating sites, here’s a handy tip: make sure you’re smiling in your photo!
This is especially true for men, but women, too, can give up the whole aloof image thing – it only makes you look silly.
Continue Reading March 14th, 2009
Even if you put the effort in and message people, getting people to reply to your messages on online dating sites is not always easy. Men, especially, have to contend with plenty of competition online and can sometimes struggle to get noticed.
Here are a few ways you can make yourself stand out from the crowd:
Continue Reading March 8th, 2009
Here’s a handy tip if you want to increase your chances of finding someone to love (or date) online.
You probably already know that it’s worth trying out a few sites before deciding which one to sign up and pay for.
But once you’ve chosen one or two you think are definitely worth your time and money, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t add your profile to some other sites as well. It’s a more effective way to date online and the closest thing you can get to being in more than one place at the same time.
Continue Reading February 26th, 2009
Real life dating is not always fun. Depending on the sort of person you are and your state of mind, it can be frustrating, depressing and confusing. Sure, it can also be fun and exciting, but many people shy away from having to go out there, meet new people and kiss many frogs.
Such people might turn to online dating as an alternative, hoping to be able to just sit back and find “the one” without any conscious effort on their part. Bzzzzt WRONG! A bit harsh, I know, but the truth must be told.
Continue Reading February 19th, 2009
If you’re in the UK and are looking for a big, reputable dating site to try, there are a few much publicised options. Everyone’s heard of match.com
because of the TV adverts and it’s definitely a very well-designed, easy to use site. But is it the best site for you? How does it compare to other similar UK sites?
Below is a quick table I knocked up, showing how the top rated sites in the UK* compare on the feature front. They are all extremely popular sites with hundreds of thousands (or millions) of members.
Depending on the features you want in a site, some sites might be more suitable for you than others. Just remember that the most important thing is the people on the site and not just the features!
Continue Reading February 8th, 2009
Fact: a significant number of people who use online dating are already married or otherwise attached.
MSNBC claimed recently that up to a third of those dating online in the US are married already. I don’t have the figures in the UK, but I would assume they’re not far off.
As much as I disagree with this form of premeditated cheating (to clarify: I see all forms of cheating as inadvisable, but it’s one thing to be swept away by someone you met at random and a totally different one to go actively looking), I do approve of cheater sites and sites that let you display the “married/in a relationship” option. Why? Because this way less people get lied to and less people get hurt. There are people out there who don’t mind seeing married people, so let them dig their own grave.
Unfortunately, some people don’t bother telling you, so you have to figure it out yourself.
Continue Reading January 26th, 2009
When you’re trying to decide whether or not to sign up to a particular dating site, the natural thing to do is to scout the Internet for reviews. After all, you don’t want to spend money on a site that might turn out to be a waste of time. Unfortunately, it’s very hard to accurately review dating sites.
Some things, are easy and obvious. If a site has hardly any people dating on it, for example, it would be easy for any reviewer to pick up on it and warn potential members. Listing a site’s ethos, list of features, design and ease of use are also easy to discuss, as well as any entry requirements for members. It’s also often possible to discuss whether a site is particularly full of scammers and spammers. Beyond that, though, is where it gets a bit more difficult.
Continue Reading January 24th, 2009
This is a public service announcement. If you want to get yourself a date for Valentine’s day, now is when you should be starting to really make an effort. If you haven’t signed up to a dating site yet, you’ll need to hurry up and do it, set up a profile, upload a picture and start contacting people as soon as.
Continue Reading January 20th, 2009
Online dating is big business and there are always people out there who’d take advantage of people who are willing to pay. Online dating companies have a whole arsenal of tricks up their sleeves aimed at getting people to pay and stay on their sites. Here are a few secrets of the trade you may have not been aware of.
Continue Reading January 12th, 2009
Struggling to come up with the right stuff to put in your personal description? Need someone to help you pick a good profile picture? I am now offering personal online dating help by email.
This is your chance to get your profile checked out by someone who’s seen thousands and thousands of dating profiles and knows what works and what doesn’t.
Click here for more details.
January 2nd, 2009
Online dating site subscriptions come in many shapes and sizes (and prices!). Knowing which one is the best for you can be as confusing as choosing the right site. If you’re struggling to make a decision, your troubles are over! Take my quiz below to find out which type of online dating site membership suits your lifestyle best.
Continue Reading December 23rd, 2008
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