Douche Selfie

10 Types of Online Dating Profile Pics That Make You Look Like A Douche


Guys! Do you have a profile set up on an online dating site or app? Do you want women to actually date you? Scrolling through dating sites looking at blokes’ dating profiles will soon expose some worrying patterns in the world of straight male online dating pics. What men think is appealing or at least acceptable often conveys an entirely different meaning to women looking through. So if you want your potential dates to swipe right, answer your message or even contact you themselves, please please please don’t be one of the following 10 types of male dating photographers.


1. The Show & Tell

Everyone says you should keep your profile text short and too the point, so how can you convey all the awesome things you do to potential dates? Using action shots, of course! The Show & Tell loves to tell his story in pictures: “Here I am on my motorbike…because I’m a sexy biker!” ; “Here’s me strumming my guitar on the beach, because chicks dig musicians!”; “Here’s me in front of a blackboard solving a complex mathematical problem while juggling chainsaws, because I’m smart and wild!” Anyway, you get the (no pun intended) picture.  Short of doing a gay interpretive dance as part of an anti-gay conference, this is probably the lamest example of using Show & Tell anywhere. Yes, I’m aware of the fact that these are the only photos some guys have of themselves, but this illustrated display reeks of effort and always feels fake and posed, even when it isn’t. Use a picture without some sort of hidden message and spare us the illustrated guide to your hobbies.


2. The Muscle

Related to the Show & Tell, this type of dating photographer nonetheless deserves its own title. Do men spend all their time at the gym getting other people to take photos of them working out? Cause that’s what it looks like when you look at dating profiles set up by The Muscle types. I can only conclude that this is some sort of primal thing akin to banging on one’s chest like a gorilla. It almost certainly involves some sort of huffing and puffing and that stupid thing guys do when they slam the weights to the ground after lifting them. Gym pictures tell people you’re fit (or are trying to be) but also that you’re  kinda vain and obsessed with your body. Not a good look.


3. Mr. Snappy Snaps

Snappy Snaps uses his holiday snaps as profile pics, because those are the only photos he has and he can’t think of anything else to put there. Here’s a dark silhouette of Snappy Snaps against the background of wherever. You can’t really tell what he looks like, but the view is nice, isn’t it? Here’s a few more pics from a few more places to make Snappy appear worldly. You can also enjoy a tiny picture of Snappy’s face that he’s cut out of a larger holiday snap. Apart from generally being crappy pictures that won’t attract anyone to your profile, these often show complete lack of self awareness. It’s almost like the exact opposite of The Muscle.


4. The Skinny

The Skinny likes to show as much skin as possible. He’s keen to put his goods out on display and this is the closest he can get to a naked pic without being blocked or banned from the site. Any woman who looks at one of these dick pic preview shots will assume the first thing that comes out of The Skinny’s virtual mouth will be something about fucking. That is, if he bothers saying anything at all before bombarding her with pictures of his penis. Unless you’re on a sex site or a gay site put something on FFS!


5. Mr. Green

The successful member of the Show & Tell family, or so he’d like the ladies to think. Mr. Green is very rich. Just look at how rich he is! Here he is posing next to his convertible. Check out that Rolex! Mr. Green wants you to know he’s loaded, probably because he thinks women only like a man with money. Watch him then make a big, whiny deal about women “paying their own way” and generally being an annoying tightarse all over.


6. The WTF Dude

The WTF Dude has chosen inexplicable pictures that make people wonder WTF he was thinking. On one hand, you gotta hand it to a guy who’s not afraid of flying his freak flag high. On the other hand, it’s pretty obvious WTF Dudes have no idea that they’re being anything but normal. You know, like serial killers and people who think Marmite is edible. Here are some extreme examples from Russia.


7. The Soul Eater

When your only good pic has other people in it and you don’t have the skills to Photoshop them out, so you literally scribble over their faces in black pen or cut them out of the pic so it’s obvious which one is you. Of course, to the human eye it looks creepy as shit and makes the Soul Eater look like some sort of dangerous psycho who’s about to embark on a killing spree targeting everyone who’s ever wronged him. Having other people in your profile pic with you because you can’t be bothered to get a decent picture with just you in it is bad enough, but this is like 10 times worse. Just no.


8. The Contortionist

That “sexy face” you’re trying to make is not sexy. For the love of everything that’s good in this world stop doing this to your facial muscles and smile. Nothing makes a person look douchier than a failed attempt at looking sexy. Seriously, nothing.


9. The Beddy Bye Byes

He’s already in bed, waiting for you to join him in his badly lit den that smells of gym socks and used tissues. Nothing says “I just literally used your profile pic as masturbation material” like a dimly lit photo of some guy in his bed. He might think it’s a suave, sexy look, but it’s actually really unflattering and also looks creepy AF. This guy may be waiting for the ladies in bed, but any woman will be saying bye bye and running away.


10. The Horatio

The Horatio thinks wearing shades is cool. Cool like Horatio Caine in the above gif. Horatio Caine won’t be fooled again and neither is our Horatio, oh no! Here’s a pic of the dating Horatio with his shades on for no apparent reason whatsoever. You can’t really see his face or anything, but he looks COOL, right? Right? Right???? Wrong. When you do this, it just looks like you’re trying too hard to be cool, which is not cool. Keep them shades off so women can actually see your face and stop trying to look cool. Cool?

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