Five things online dating won’t do for you

July 23rd, 2009

I recently read one of those annoying articles about online dating and what a great disappointment it is, you know, one of those where the lady journalist goes on a few dates and ends up meeting nothing but losers. Of course, she ends up denouncing online dating as a con, thus completely ignoring the thousands, no, millions of happy online daters who found someone online.

Dissing online dating to that extent does a great disservice to those people still looking for love (which is why I won’t include a link to that article here). However, saying that Internet dating is the best thing since sliced bread also does people a disservice and I’ve seen a lot of that sort of thing touted about by both dating companies and the media.

Online dating is just a different way of getting in touch with people. Its main advantage is that it gives you access to lots of people. Statistically, not all people are going to be your Mr/Miss Right and, in fact, you’re probably going to thoroughly dislike at least some of them. Still, there are obvious advantages to being able to meet thousands of people in your area when previously you may have been limited to your immediate social circle. It’s as simple as that.

I often wonder what people expect from online dating to be so unpleasantly surprised by the reality of it.
In my experience, such disappointment is often a product of unreasonable expectations. Yes, some sites are better than others and some people are more easily suited to online dating than others, but ultimately, if you expect online dating to solve all your problems, you will most likely be disappointed.

Here are some things you shouldn’t expect online dating to do for you:

1. Change your bad dating pattern

Sad but true. If you have a habit of dating people who are bad for you, you’ll find them on the Internet too. There’s not much you can do about it but learn to beat your pattern. Trial and error, self development, self help, therapy, healing, whatever – you’ll need to choose your own method. Changing the way you meet people is not in itself enough to effect psychological change. That is why articles such as that one I read in the Guardian (there, I’ve said it), are really nothing but a bad reflection on the people who wrote them. Yes, online dating has its share of weirdos, but not exclusively. If you’re there for a while, dating on different dating sites and still drawing blanks, it might be a good time to stop and look back at your non-Internet dating history to see if you can find any clues.

2. Turn you into a better person

Similarly to the above, don’t expect the mere act of dating online to give you the confidence you’ve always wanted, allow you to be your true self for the first time or help you get over any other personal problems you may have. Sure, self improvement is a process and meeting, dating and socialising with people does help. Allowing you to meet more people can help this process along, but it won’t solve all your problems. You’ll need to work on these separately alongside your dating experiences.

3. Allow you to lie for long

Yes, it’s easier to lie online than it is in the so-called “real world”, but only to a point. Unless you’re content with only speaking to people online (which is extremely problematic, see below), you’ll need to meet your date sooner or later and all those little lies will come out. They always do. If you’re shorter, older, heavier or, well, more married than you’d been claiming to be, people will find out and they will get angry.

4. Replace the need for time and effort on your part

Unless you’re looking for a one night stand and are not particularly fussy, meeting the man or woman of your dreams will take time. That’s a fact of life. Now, you might be at a stage in your life where you know exactly what you want, at which point things might move along slightly quicker, but most likely you are still defining to yourself what it is you’re after. The best way of hastening that process is to meet a lot of people and learn along the way what it is you like and dislike about them. Yes, dating online gives you instant access to millions of people, but you’ll still need to put the effort in – be it messaging hundreds of potential dates on a competitive site to get a response, or going on plenty of dates with boring losers. There is no way around it no matter how attractive and clever you are. Online dating is a numbers’ game and you must be willing to play it if you’re ever going to win. Otherwise, online dating is not for you.

5. 
   Be a substitute for real human contact

Online dating can be very addictive. If you’re the sort of person who doesn’t get out much, it can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking the best you can get is this online interaction and enjoy the flirting, chatting and messaging that it offers. Sure, these are all great ways of easing yourself back into the dating game, but they will never replace actual human interaction. Your goal should always be to take it further and share real moments with others, not just virtual ones.

You might take to the online dating style or you might think it weird and online shopping-like, but either way, it is what it is and should be seen as another potential method of finding people you like. That’s it.

Related posts:

1. Is running a search on someone you met online a good idea?

Entry Filed under: Online Dating Tips