Welcome to my blog!
My name is Shimrit Elisar and I am the author of Everyone's Guide to Online Dating ,
the UK's first online dating book. All opinions expressed are my own unless posted in a comment by someone else.
Clare Wood was killed by a man she met online. A tragic case, no doubts about it. Now Clare’s father and Hazel Blears MP are working to bring in a law that would make it possible for women to learn about their new partner’s history of domestic / relationship abuse. This is one of those proposals that appeals to the most primal of gut instincts – the Internet is a big scary place, women know nothing about who they meet, now they can find out. That is, by the way, what makes it a populist law. It’s not hard to see why Clare’s father would want to bring this law in, to supposedly stop other people’s daughters from becoming victims like his own.
But personally I believe more care should be taken before we open up people’s private police records to, well, the entire public. Now, I know the privacy implications of this law are pretty atrocious, but considering the fact that a woman was killed, I realise many would forsake the privacy of someone else (any man?) because they believe the safety of women comes first. To be fair, if I thought this was a workable solution, maybe I would tend to agree. If it went both ways, at least.
I don’t think the exact details of this proposal have been worked out yet but for now is no mention about whether men can find out the abuse history of women they meet online (domestic abuse by women of men may not be as common, but it certainly does exist and is a real problem). There is no mention of what violations would be enough to tarnish a man as an abuser.
But of course, there is also, as far as I can tell, no mention of the fact that many cases of domestic abuse remain unreported, thus unlisted in the police database. In fact, isn’t the nature of most domestic abuse that which only escalates to the police when the abused women get battered so badly, they can no longer hide it from those around them? With a bit of luck, a man can be dangerously abusive to a GF or spouse and still appear all squeaky clean on record. If this law comes into effect, such men could actually “benefit” from the new system – women would search, find nothing and conclude the man in question is absolutely fine, when otherwise they may have exercised more caution.
In many ways, this law is no different than match.com saying they’re going to background check members in the US. It’s not enough. Not only is it not enough, but it makes people think it is enough, thus making the situation worse. Short of sending the thoughtpolice to scan people’s brains and figure out if they’re prone to murderous thoughts, there is nothing you can do that’s foolproof. As always, it’s best to educate women (and men) to spot dangerous signs, rather than open the door to some really dangerous legalisation. After all, if we’ve got our hands in someone’s private data, wouldn’t we want to be sure he doesn’t have any drunk driving offences (dangerous for our future children), public order offences or drug problems?
There’s an article out on the Guardian website about older women and the online dating industry. I occasionally get asked about this and it saddens me to say that yes, women in their 40s, 50s and 60s do suffer online, as men are often looking for younger women. This is the one time when I tell people to lie online – when the woman looks and feels younger and just wouldn’t make it into most guys’ search on the site. The fact is, online dating on standard sites – the ones not aimed at older daters in particular – can be pretty harsh for older ladies. It’s not impossible and some women do find love in this way, but it’s not as easy as finding someone when you’re a happy go lucky girl in your 20s.
One of the ideas touted at older women in the article is to look for younger men on sites that cater for “cougars”. Personally, I hate the term cougar, because I don’t think women interested in younger men ought to be such an unusual thing so as to warrant a special name or a club. Men do it all the time and while some of us may raise an eyebrow when a man dates a woman half his age or younger, it seems to be socially accepted as a common enough thing. I guess we’re OK with men doing it cause it reminds us of polygamy days when it made sense for the guy to keep adding younger women to his harem so that he can keep producing kids even when his other wives got older. Women doing it for companionship and fun? Maybe weird enough so that we have to counteract it with cougar pride.
Either way, dating younger men if you’re both up for it can be fun. You can get more tips in the article itself.
Not literally, but they did have a very big long article covering the subject. Really good and thorough article, though seems to be covering a lot of stuff that only few people wouldn’t know about nowadays. Whenever I read something like that I wonder whether there are still people out there (in the West) who know so little or nothing at all about online dating or whether the article is just really really late to the party. Explaining who match.com, OKcupid and eHarmony are, for example, is quite unusual nowadays. Either it’s to do with their editorial conventions or New Yorker readers are way way behind on online interaction. There’s also a lot of stuff about the concepts behind online dating and all kinds of issues to do with it, which is cool and insightful, but again, nothing particularly new.
A dating site called “BeautifulPeople”, which prides itself on careful screening of its members for attractiveness and only allowing beautiful people to be matched has been hit with a sneaky computer virus that seems to have made a mockery of the whole thing.
The site recently had to delete over 30,000 profiles of members who had managed to skip the site’s voting process and put their profiles on their site without being vetted for attractiveness. Talk about revenge of the nerds! But the best part? The virus was actually called “Shrek”.
Supposedly suspicion fell on a disgruntled ex employee, which would make sense, as they’d have an understanding of the way the system works and, most likely, the technical ability to break it. I was sort of hoping it would be a gifted reject who’d create this cyber protest. Perhaps they are one and the same?
My jury’s still out on sites that cater to “beautiful” people. On one hand, rejection can be quite harsh and make people feel bad about themselves at a time when they are looking for love – not a good thing. Also – should being shallow about looks be encouraged?
On the other hand, there are so many dating sites out there with so many people. The ability to concentrate your search on people who actually fit your standards can be a godsend and ultimately, people want to meet singles who are similar to them. Attractive people tend to want to meet other attractive people – it’s evolution in action. On the grand scale of online dating horrors, it’s loads better than sites promoting extra-marital affairs, etc.
Either way, this story made me laugh. Wouldn’t it be even funnier if people managed to meet someone “ugly” on the site and fall in love before the accounts were removed?
You can read the full story about the ugly virus here.
I wrote a while back about match.com getting sued in the US and deciding to start screening their customers against the sex offenders list. If you’ve been following the story (and my opinion of it), you may also be interested in the following article, published on the blog of Iovation, who specialise in online fraud prevention.
It goes into some detail about your personal responsibility as an online dater and why you should not expect dating sites to be 100% safe, even if they do their best to be.
Here’s a dating thought for the day. There’s often talk of how fairytale romance (think Disney) has made us have unreasonable standards when it comes to love. Little girls are taught to wait around for Prince Charming and many of us grow up feeling like we’re missing out on something amazing, always looking for the perfect man or woman and feeling vaguely disappointed by the reality of our relationships.
So the answer to that? We’re told compromise is a must, that nobody’s perfect (including, of course, us) and that we need to accept the fact that there is no Prince Charming. All good, important stuff, but here’s the thing. Take this backlash to the extreme and what do you get? Another fairytale! In this fairytale, the beautiful prince is trapped in a frog’s body. You kiss the frog (i.e. compromise) and it turned into your wonderful Prince Charming, giving you the ultimate happiness you desire.
Now, I’m not disputing the fact that relationships often involve compromises, especially the ones you want to last. I’m also not disputing the fact that a significant number of happy couples would never have gotten together had they not compromised on things they once thought mattered.
What I’m saying is that it’s important to know when to compromise your standards and when to hold out. The mere act of compromising won’t be your magic key to unlock the door to ultimate happiness.
In matters of love, you should lead with your heart and your body and not with your head. That is, unless all you want is a child and you’re willing to make your love life nothing more than a business transaction to attain said child.
If you don’t fancy someone and there is no chemistry between you, don’t force it. My experience of talking to couples who got together even though they didn’t fit each other’s “type” has taught me that there was always some sort of spark there that made whoever it was who was uncertain at first give their partner a chance anyway.
If you feel that you have to ignore your heart or your body because you feel that you ought to be in a relationship for some reason or other, then you’re onto a loser. All you’ll get at the end is the same frog you started off with.
As much as some online dating sites would like you to think that your intuition and instincts fail when it comes to forming happy, long-term relationships, let’s not forget that people have been loving each other for thousands of years.
Most people have Facebook accounts nowadays, though in my experience, even the most avid Facebook users would shy away from using the site for strict online dating. When it comes to hooking up with complete strangers, rather than friends of friends, people still prefer the relative anonymity of dating sites. But let’s face it, the Facebook / online dating crossover isn’t just about the things you do by choice. Once you reveal enough about yourself to your new online beau or belle, they’re going to be rushing to Facebook and checking out your profile. Some may even ask you for your Facebook details, making it hard to refuse. This opens up a whole can of worms, from having your Facebook profile embarrass you with bad photos to giving personal information out to someone who may turn out to be a freaky stalker. You want to make sure your Facebook is ready for this onslaught in every possible way.
Here are 5 things you can do to make this integration smoother.
1. Watch your profile pic.
You’ve gone all out with your dating site pics, showing off your best side, but your Facebook pic is a blurry, unflattering shot of you pulling faces while drunk at a party. FAIL. No matter what you do, your Facebook profile pic will be seen by anyone looking at your profile, so if you’re trying to get dates, make sure it’s also up to scratch.
2. Make everything private
You can make most things on your Facebook profile private to anyone who isn’t already your friend or your friends’ friend. You then have the choice of who to share your information with, rather than the choice being forced upon you. Just go into your privacy settings and make sure nothing it set to “everyone”.
3. Control your tags
You don’t want last night’s drunken hen or stag night shots popping up on your profile when you’re trying to charm your future husband or wife. Luckily, Facebook lets you decide who can see these in your privacy settings. Choose “only friends” or even “only me” and the problem is solved.
4. Stop random people from searching for you on Facebook
In the “connecting on Facebook” section of your privacy settings, you can control who can search for you on the site. Setting it to everyone means any random person can look you up. This may mean more friends from your forgotten past, but it could also mean people you don’t know very well can look up your profile. If you reduce the permissions to “friends of friends” you may well lose out on some friends (like Facebook tells you), but you may win more peace of mind.
5. Make a special group for your online dating friends
It may be more convenient for you to add your new online dating buddies to Facebook than continue chatting to them on the dating site, especially if they seem fun and friendly. If you do, consider creating a new friends group and adding them all to that. This way you can control what they see more easily (for example, the aforementioned tagged photos) and collectively avoid them on Facebook chat if you’re not up to being sociable with people who are not close friends. The various privacy options all have a “custom” option, where you can hide stuff from a particular person or group.
An exclusive offer for onlinedatingbook.co.uk readers! Save 33% on a 3 month subscription to eHarmony UK. You actually don’t even need a code. All you need to do is visit the following page and sign up. Your promotional code is already built into the page so you can see it there.
This offer is only valid for the month of May 2011.
eHarmony promotional codes in the UK used to be more common, but now that the site has become very popular, they’re not releasing as many coupons and vouchers. This particular offer (and link) is unique to this site, so you can only get it by clicking the above link and going through to that particular landing page.
So if you want to save money on eHarmony this May, now’s your chance.
Swoon is offering up to 30% off subscriptions until June 4th. To make use of this promotion, simply click on the above link and use the discount code “swoon” when prompted during the payment process.
This is a good opportunity to try a different dating site or at the very least an excuse to have a look and see if you like the looks of people on the site. A word of warning, though – the site makes you sign up for a free account before you can even look at the people. You don’t need to put your complete address or any payment details in, though, just choose a username and password and fill out parts of a profile (you can skip most things and fill them in later, if you want).
Swoon is a simple to use dating site that has a basic personality test (nothing too lengthy or complicated) to help you find people who are more compatible than your average random stranger. Great if you want a little bit extra in the personality matching department, but more for fun and an extra reason to see and contact people than a serious and heady psychological analysis of you and your partner.
eHarmony UK have a free communications weekend on NOW to celebrate either the bank holiday or the royal wedding or god knows what.
It actually started yesterday but I only found out about it now. Luckily, it goes on till Monday 2nd of May, so if you sign up for eHarmony now, you should be able to try it out completely free this weekend. Sign up earlier rather than later, as it can take the site a while to send you matches you’re actually interested in. Hopefully, a lot of new people will join this weekend as well so you’ll have even more of a choice!
I’m just the messenger here. I just had this email land in my box. The same production company is responsible for QI, so obviously I’m going to help them out with this! They’re looking for interesting dating stories and online dating is a definite angle, if something interesting happened to you along the way.
If you’re interested, drop them a line and you could be on the telly
Back with a second series, The Rob Brydon Show is looking for people with funny / interesting stories to be in our audience.
Have you got any dating disaster stories? Did you meet your partner in an unusual way? Are you a strange pairing?
If you have ANYTHING funny or interesting you’d like to share with us we’d LOVE to hear from you.
Please get in touch ASAP via therobbrydonshow@talkbackthames.tv
match.com in the USA is to begin screening its members against the registered sex offenders registry. This follows a sad case where a sex offender met a woman on the site and assaulted her. She’s now suing Match.
It’s important to note (as the site’s president points out) that these lists are not exactly reliable. Match say that since there have been improvements in the quality of these measures and the lists then it now makes sense to do so.
Unfortunately, even with these measures there’s no guarantee criminals won’t slip through the net. Not every rapist or sex offender in the US is on the list. Some haven’t even started raping yet. Now, before you freak out and stop online dating entirely, just remember that these people don’t live inside the Internet. They come from somewhere outside of the Internet and can be met in bars, shops, bible classes and dark alleys all around the country.
On the other hand, you shouldn’t let the fact that Match (and probably other sites soon) are covering their asses stop you from observing the safety rules. I know I keep repeating myself here and talking about safety rules quite a lot, but I worry that measures like this one could make people complacent and actually put them in more danger, as they’d assume they’re 100% safe when in fact, they’re only a little bit safer than they had been. I think it’s great that Match are adding another layer of safety to their already strongly moderated site and I hope more sites do this, but that should never take place of personal responsibility and awareness of personal safety.
Recently, more and more people have been commenting on this blog and saying they’ve met scammers on Facebook, pretending to be British or American soldiers stationed abroad. It seems social networking is turning into a battle ground as well.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, a recent study has revealed that social networking sites have overtaken dating sites when it comes to stalking. Cyberstalkers can target complete strangers on social networking sites such as Facebook and the victims can be both women (60%) and men (40%). Unlike real life stalking that’s often the result of a past relationship or an actual acquaintance, cyberstalking does not depend on the victim having more than a casual acquaintance with the stalker. Sometimes, the stalker can be a total stranger.
Unsurprisingly, cyberstalking has overtaken real life stalking. After all, it’s easier to do and you don’t actually need to know the victim…
This cyberstalking can involve repeated unwanted messages or it can involve serious intimidating and even death threats. It would seem the Internet is the choice of weapon for weirdos who think the anonymity it offers puts them above the law or under the radar.
You can read the Guardian article about the survey here, which offers advice on what to do if you’re being cyberstalked.
But I’d like to offer a different sort of advice. Websites like Facebook are notorious for compromising your privacy in all kinds of ways you’ve never even dreamed of. If you want to protect yourself from stalkers, consider taking the following steps when using Facebook:
* In your privacy settings on Facebook, avoid using the “everyone” setting for sharing anything such as your status updates, photos, etc.. Show as little as possible of your profile to strangers.
* In your “connecting on Facebook” settings (also in the privacy settings), you can decide whether you want everyone to be able to send you a friend request, message you, see your friends’ list, etc. It’s up to you how private you want to be. If you’re happy just being in touch with your friends and their friends, you can stop anyone else from every contacting you or adding you as a friend.
* I know people love all these checking in services, but personally I think they suck. The right to privacy is something that was bought in blood from big brother totalitarian governments. Now whole generations are happily broadcasting their whereabouts to the world without giving it a second thought. Apart from the businesses themselves, the only people who care about the fact that a person’s checked in at a supermarket or a petrol station are obsessives and stalkers. Seriously. I say avoid using these services completely, not just because they’re compromising your privacy but also because any tiny benefits they could give you are totally outweighed by the benefit to the businesses involved and the fact that they are using you for free advertising. Your privacy is precious so don’t sell yourself short.
I know a bar that offers people a free drink if they check in there 15 times. I’d rather stick with a paper punch card or, a radical thought, buy my own drink and maintain my privacy (and dignity). No free drink is worth advertising to the world where I am at any given moment 1984-style.
If you must use these services, for example, Facebook’s one, make sure you limit who can see your check ins (also in the privacy settings). I suggest limiting this to your friends only and choosing your Facebook friends wisely.
Lavalife.com has had a change of heart this April and is now 100% free for US customers. That’s right – no credit cards, no free trials but then you have to pay, no nothing. It’s 100% free if you’re US based.
So if you’re curious about what Lavalife is like and want to check it out, now’s the time. It won’t cost you anything at all.
match.com in the USA just released their latest survey results about the current so called rules of dating in the USA. It’s an interesting look into how online dating has changed American dating habits and, more interestingly, how it hasn’t.
It seems most women would still expect men to pay on the first date and while 41% of them would offer to pay, the majority of the men asked (37%) felt that they should pay.
Fast paced modern life aside, it seems the vast majority of people (80%) disapprove of sex on the first date and prefer post date phone calls to texts and email (80% again).
Men are still expected to make the first follow up call and the majority of them will wait at least a day before calling.
You can read the full article here. It has some other interesting facts.
I quite like surveys like these because they remind me how, with all the technology advances and social networks and all these new and exciting ways of meeting each other, we are still just people and doing things in quite traditional ways.
Some might say we need time for our brains to catch up with what technology allows us to do. Maybe our children would have a totally different outlook as to what makes proper dating etiquette and behaviour. On the other hand, I for one hope we never evolve past the need to hear a friendly human voice, although women going halves on the restaurant bill is bound to make quite a few men happy.
When I first started working in the online dating industry, I had a conversation with a friend about the concept (it was a bit less common then) and we joked about him making a dating website where there would be no other men but himself. Women who joined would be given a choice of dating…. him. We weren’t sure about whether it would be funnier to have different profiles for him or just the one profile with one picture.
Now it seems someone in the States has gone and done more or less exactly that, only he seems serious, even though the idea seems like it could be plucked straight out of a viral. I keep expecting some sort of story to enfold with a match.com punchline, but for now, it seems there really is a guy called Chas who wants to be hooked up with his future wife and is willing to pay $10K for the pleasure. If the pictures are anything to go by, Chas is actually quite dishy, too.
So if you know anyone who would like to date Chas, you can go to HookChasUp.com and try to claim your $10K. It’s a great idea and, frankly, I don’t even care whether or not it’s real.
A friend sent me this link of someone’s dating profile on OKCupid. I don’t know whether the person behind this profile’s actually intended on finding love on there (I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t be the guy’s real picture), but I bet he’s going to get a lot more attention that if he’d gone and written about enjoying long walks on the beach.
A recent survey by Age UK has shown how popular Internet usage has become for people in their 50s and older. Around 43% of the UK’s 55-74 year olds use the Internet on a regular basis. Although this rate is not the highest in Europe, it’s higher than the rate in Germany (33%) and France (40%).
With so many older people online, it’s clear that there is a need for the online dating industry to create accessible websites that will appeal to older daters. Age UK are running a campaign to encourage older people to use the Internet to connect with friends and family, but it can also be a wonderful way to find love and companionship again. There is no upper age limit for the basic human need to love and be loved.
Age UK are asking people with Internet skills to help teach the 6 million older people who have never used to Internet how to do so. But why stop there? If you know someone over 55 who is new to the Internet and is looking for love, why not teach them about dating sites?
Also, it’s never too early or too late to read about the online dating safety rules. Scammers target older daters in particular, though they usually use the same stories, so are easy to spot if you know what you’re looking for.
This video made me laugh, plus it was filmed in my neighbourhood! It’s a fairytale story of love, but not as you know it. Children and sensitive people, cover your ears! This has got one or two bad words in it and some adult themes.
Microsoft have patented some sort of algorithm that could be used by dating sites to quietly match people based on stuff they are ashamed of. Apparently the patent is actually from 2009, but it has been revealed recently. In an odd move, Microsoft chose love of comic books as an example of something people might be ashamed of listing publically on a site but would like to factor into their search for love.
An odd choice, because I wouldn’t have thought liking comic books is something anyone should be ashamed of. I guess it’s easier than illustrating this patent with people looking for fellow white supremacists or nose pickers. Of course, telling geek media outlets that comic books are a private shame is like waving a red rag in front of a very angry bull. Maybe Microsoft are touting for dating sites interested in buying this algorithm and need a bit more free press.
Having something match you up based on interests you don’t want to necessarily put in your profile in text form is not actually a bad idea, though. It seems the Microsoft patent gives users a bit more control over the backend search and maybe increases their options of meeting people (although those people who would have turned their nose at their secret shame may not be the best ones for them).
Most people turn to me for help with their online dating profiles, but one question I keep being asked is what makes a good first message. I thought I’d write a post about it to give a clearer idea, though obviously these things are pretty individual. There’s generally no one size fits all solution when it comes to love. At the end of the day, if you’re not the other person’s cup of tea, you’re going to have a hard time getting through, even if you write like Shakespeare.
So here are 5 handy rules for writing your winning first message:
Make it personal
Both men and women like to feel special. Sending everyone you come across a generic message may save you time, but is likely to also get you fewer responses. By making a reference to the particular person you’re contacting – asking a question, saying you like something in their picture or a particular thing in their profile – you’re more likely to get their attention. Of course, there’s nothing that says you should write a completely new message each time. You can use a generic message as a base, as long as you add a little bit of uniqueness each time.
Be polite
Unless you’re dating on a sex site where anything and everything goes, keep it clean. You never know what the other person is looking for, so until you do, don’t make any assumptions. Coming on strong or being graphic or physical is more likely to put people off than anything. Beware of doing things like telling women you contacted them because you liked their chest, for example (yes, people actually do this). This is why sending messages when you’re drunk is never a good idea.
Be casual
You may think you’ve just found the man or woman of your dreams but coming on too strong too soon is likely to make anyone run away. To begin with, keep your message friendly but non-committal. Saying you liked someone’s profile (remember, be specific) and would like to get to know them is cool. Telling them you think you’re in love with them straight away is likely to make you look like a stalker or a scammer.
Make it of a reasonable length
And by reasonable I mostly mean not too long. While sending just a “hi” is usually not enough, writing volumes and volumes of text in your first message is more likely to get people to run away screaming than a boring, single word message. A single cheeky sentence, a single paragraph or, at most two or three is all that you need to make contact. If you want people to have easy access to information about you then put it in your profile. There’s no need to repeat any of that in your message as well. Simply tell the person to check you out if he or she is curious.
Have a hook
This one is somewhat related to making things personal, but involves thinking ahead and making life easier for the person you want to talk to. A hook is something to lure the other person into entering or continuing a conversation with you. Asking questions is usually a good hook – the person is invited to answer the question, so short of giving you the ultimate clue and ignoring you, they’re likely to say something. For your hook, you could comment on something you saw on someone’s profile and ask them a simple question about it (“Where did you live in China? I taught English in Shanghai for 6 months!”) or you could even ask a silly question without doing much else. This way, the other person already has a reason to contact you and an easy way of finding what to write. Using such hooks is also a good way to get a conversation going once it’s started, but be attentive to times when the other person loses interest – messages would get shorter, sometimes turning into single sentence responses to your questions and nothing else. A conversation involving shared interest will most likely have the other person sharing the same amount of information as you, as well as providing their own hooks.
My first job in the online dating industry was as a moderator of online dating sites. Apart from all those “fun” Monday mornings when I had to do photo reviews and remove hundreds of photos of penis close up shots, my main jobs was hunting for and getting rid of online dating scammers. In general, we had two types of scammers on the sites – the “Nigerian money scammers” and the “Russian brides”. These were two umbrella terms encompassing any African (or African-inspired) lottery scam, Christian charity scam and any scam that had an African scammer behind it (soldier scams had not started up yet) and any East European scam involving a beautiful lady wanting to meet a Western man (“appearance and age not important”). We learnd to see the so-called Russian brides as either callous businesswomen / prostitutes in disguise or worse – men disguised as women, looking to scam unsuspecting men out of money and then disappear. I’ve heard of several stories where men travelled to foreign cities to meet such women and were fleeced out of more and more cash by the women and their families. In short, in the world of online dating, it was a clear cut case of who was the victim. Save for cases where the women were forced by gangs to play the part of an aspiring Russian bride, the brides were the criminals and the lovelorn men their unwitting prey.
I knew proper Russian bride introduction websites existed, but I sort of always assumed many of these were predominantly populated by the same sort of scammers. In fact, I assumed it was the scammers who ran them. I do recall seeing Louis Theroux do a show on mail order brides, but it was a Thai one, rather than a Russian one, if I recall correctly.
But here’s a different look at this story, making it clear things are not so black and white. An article in Salon sheds light on the lives of genuine Russian women who were not out to
scam anyone but were practically trafficked abroad to serve as sex slaves for Western men. It makes for
interesting reading and gives a totally new perspective on the whole issue. Highly recommended.
Everyone I talk to seems to assume that online dating is full of liars and cheats, mostly because lying appears to be so much easier to do online. But now someone has started looking into whether people really do lie more online and about lying in general Vs. lying online.
The research revealed that while people lie less in, say, emails and online CVs than they do in phone calls and offline CVs, we tend to mistrust the Internet more and assume people will lie more while using it. This is probably more to do with our fear of the new and unfamiliar technology than with anything else.
In regards to online dating, it seems that most people will put tiny white lies in their profiles (which, by the way, is something I sometimes encourage people to do) but when it comes to the big stuff, people don’t just pull their motivations for lying out of thin air when they’re online as opposed to in person. This is something I’ve discussed before and even put in my book: cheaters cheat. They will either use the net to cheat or they’ll go to a bar and cheat. Scammers and thieves will either use the net to steal or they’ll use other means to steal. Either way, it’s the same cheaters. You may just come across more of them online because you have access to more people. Even the famed African scammers with their 411 scams (aka “Nigerian Money Scams”) predate the Internet. Before the Net they used faxes and before faxes they used posted letters.
What’s interesting is that it seems our intuition is as strong online as it is elsewhere – we may not have visual or aural cues to tell whether someone’s lying, but we’re still likely to get that odd feeling that something is just not right. This site is full of comments from women (and men) who had that feeling when dealing with scammers, ran a search and got to the posts dealing with common soldier scams. Ultimately, I think if we learn to listen to our intuition, not even the Internet can stop us from uncovering liars.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, this was published in time for Valentine’s Day, though I managed to somehow miss it. It’s the results of an eHarmony funded survey of people and how they meet / have met their partners. The results, as expected, are not unexpected, especially considering eHarmony’s target audience.
Apparently, while most people still meet their partners through offline means (introductions through friends and family being the most common), online dating is very popular and effective for more mature daters (40s and up). Younger people still prefer to hang around in clubs and bars, it would seem, though one in 3 people has tried online dating. It also shows things like industry growth, as well as differences between people of different countries when it comes to the sort of dating sites they prefer. For the full article about this survey, go here.
This is very cool. Apparently, while Gaddafi and his henchmen were busy monitoring Twitter and Facebook for signs of dissent, some Libyans were exchanging coded revolutionary messages on a local dating site.
They used a profile on the site to recruit new supporters and assess how many people were willing to join in on actions.
It’s time for another MatchAffinity free weekend! Sign up from today and from Friday – Sunday (4-6 March 2011) you’ll be able to use all the features on the site absolutely free. MatchAffinity let’s you search for your own matches like a normal dating site, but it also sends matches to you based on a personality test. I’m not wild about their personality test, as I don’t think it’s particularly in depth, but I do like the fact that you can either search independently or be offered some extra people without doing anything. Obviously the sooner you register, the more people it can send your way that you’ll be able to contact for free over the weekend.
A dinner and a movie is no longer the default date scenario it once was. Frankly, when it comes to having first dates with people you meet online, there are a few more factors you need to consider.
You want your date to be somewhere public and safe (and is a dark cinema the best place for it?), you want to be able to speak to each other comfortably so you can get to know each other and, let’s not forget this, you want to be able to bail if the going gets dull. The net is full of overly creative ideas for first dates to amaze and wow you, but what’s good for a romantic second date with someone you’ve already established you fancy may be well over the top for a casual meeting with someone you may find incredibly not for you. In my opinion, you want the setting to be pleasant, but not to take centre stage. What you really want is something that will serve as a comfortable background, allowing you to interact effectively.
So here are some realistic suggestions for first dates with people you’ve met online.
A bar or a pub after work
In the UK, this is probably the most common first date. I realise that in the USA, inviting someone out drinking may make you look like an alcoholic to the vast majority of people, but in the UK and Europe bars and pubs are like cafes and restaurants – no big deal. The “after work” part is handy if you’re in the same town, not so handy if you live hundreds of miles apart and need to drive out to see each other. It does make it more casual and means you can excuse yourself should things get boring. Just replace “pub” with “cafe” or “diner” as appropriate. Choose somewhere comfortable where drinks are within your price range and there are enough corners where you could sit and have a quiet conversation. If you want a place with music, make sure it’s played at a conversational volume so you don’t have to scream to be heard.
A coffee in the afternoon
Nothing says “casual” like the afternoon. This is a good option even if you live far away from each other. You just head out, meet in the day time and then head back. If you really want to, you have the freedom to continue the date into the evening and night as well, but if you don’t you can leave and you’ll still have your night free to go out with less boring people.
A quick lunch
If you live in the same city or work in the same area this is a great option. It’s casual and it already has set times that are not even defined by you. If your date is dull you have the perfect
excuse to leave and if it’s great then you can arrange to meet in more romantic circumstances later. If you leave further away from each other, you can move the lunch to the weekend in much the same way as the afternoon coffee option.
A gallery or a museum
If you’re into this sort of thing, then this is a great option for a date. You’ll get plenty of time to talk and learn about each other’s character. Unlike films, lectures, concerts and other loud, passive date locations, a gallery is quiet and invites instant debate. Don’t go if the concept bores you to death, though.
A market
Be it a food market, an antique market or just a general market, taking a stroll through one with your date can be a fun and varied first date. While here you can stop for some food or a coffee or even a few drinks in a pub if you’re in the UK. There are plenty of opportunities to talk and get to know each other when you’re checking out some stalls.
First dates can be stressful, but they really needn’t be. When meeting someone off a dating site for the first time, most people nowadays opt for a casual meeting, rather than a full blown, romantic restaurant date. But no matter whether you’re going for a meal or for a coffee or a beer, there are still things you need to watch for that could easily make the other person not want to see you again.
I’ll ignore things to do with physical appearance as I’ve already written about those in this blog, but let’s talk about behaviour today!
Don’t be late
To be clear, every rule has exceptions, especially when it comes to love. This one in particular can be forgotten in cases when you’re off to meet someone in another city and get terribly lost. For more normal dates in your own city, though, there is no excuse. Being late to a first date can make your date think you don’t care about meeting him or her. While being 5 minutes early or right on the dot can seem a bit nerdy, being more than a few minutes late is going to set you off to a really bad start. That feeling of “oh my god! Have I been stood up?” is not going to put your date in the mood for love, that’s for sure. If you find that you might be late, text or call the person to say so at least 5 minutes before the time you’ve arranged, so that they know you didn’t ditch them.
Don’t split hairs over the bill
This is especially for the guys, as there’s always that discussion about whether guys should pay and some guys get twitchy about it. For the record, I personally think on a first date people should split the bill, but even then you could still screw things up by going over every little thing your date had ordered and pointing it out to her. If you want the woman to think you’re super nice, offer to pay for the whole meal (and follow through if she doesn’t insist on paying). If you’re sharing, just go halves or, if you had more expensive stuff, offer to pay more. No one like’s a cheapskate.
Don’t make or take overly long phone calls
If your date is boring you, make your excuses and leave, but never just “hint” at it by having your whole social life on the phone while on your date. I know some people will do it even if they’re not bored on the date, but then it’s even worse! Being accessible by phone while on a first date is important, especially for women who may need it for security, but give your date the benefit of your time and attention, rather than make them feel second best.
Don’t be rude or dismissive to service staff, homeless guys, etc.
Even on a casual date, you’re still being somewhat assessed. If you act like a jerk to people around you who may seem less important to you, your date will know you’re a jerk. Annoying waiter? Laugh it off. Presistent homeless guy? Be assertive but polite. Even if you shower your date with attention and niceness on the date, he or she will view your rudeness to others as a really bad sign.
Don’t forget about the safety rules
If you’re a saavy urbanite, you could easily make the mistake of thinking the safety rules are not really for you. But while I don’t suggest you bring a bodyguard with you to your date, the basics should really be on your mind. Always. So meet in an easily accessible public place and make sure you have your own transport to and from the date. Let a friend know you’re going on a date and that they should maybe check up on you later. How much of a checking up is up to you. Some people are happy for a text, some prefer the friend to call half way (to quickly say if they need a rescue from boredom or worse) and some even go as far as to have their wingman sit somewhere nearby just in case or openly bring a friend as a chaperone.
Either way, it’s better to be oversafe than sorry.
I’m sure most of us know by now that online dating is full of scammers. I’ve written quite extensively on this blog about such scammers, especially the seemingly very common, Iraq or Afghanistan soldier online dating scam. While I’m by no means saying anyone should avoid online dating completely because of these scammers, I am saying, educate yourself – read the posts and the comments below and learn the pattern and methods of action the scammers use. Most of these are the same sort of stories again and again.
Recently, anti fraud provider iovation shared some concrete figures about online dating fraud and abuse from around the world. The figures are quite staggering and are available on their blog:
In the last 90 days, 230,000 fraud and abuse attempts were reported to iovation from dating sites alone, including:
Obviously, the details were provided by the company itself that provides a service for dating (and other) sites that can supposedly help stop these. I assume that is the reason for the release of these figures, though knowing what I know about the industry, I doubt any company would need to doctor figures of fraud in order to sell a fraud-fighting product. One scammer or spammer alone can spam thousands of dating site users and lord knows there are enough scammers out there.
Different dating companies use different measures to stop spammers and scammers. Device reputation, as suggested by iovation is one handy layer of protection, but one should never belittle things like behavioural analysis, keyword filtering, etc..
The most important thing, though, is to educate the users of the site. Many sites still fear being branded as a fertile ground for scammers should they go the harm reduction route. There are no dating sites 100% free of scammers. If we can all accept that and learn and share the telltale signs, these criminals will eventually be out of a job.
A new survey conducted among American singles seems to imply that falling in love on the job may be a thing of the past. Apparently 5200 singles were questioned and only a third said they would be willing to date someone they were working with. Now, this survey was actually funded by match.com, and conducted by a team headed by their resident advisor Dr. Helen Fisher. while I would never imply that the results were doctored in any way (Dr. Fisher is highly regarded), I seem to recall a different survey that seems to imply otherwise and another from 2009. Here’s a report echoing the generally agreed upon fact (though I can’t find the original source) that 80% of businesses serve as a setting for some sort of office romance. Another survey, conducted amongst HR managers, found that a significant amount of these office romances end in marriage. In fact, it seems that the bigger the company is, the more likely it is that an office romance will end in marriage. A staggering 68% of office relationship result in marriage in companies with over 300 employees. Granted, the last survey was from over 10 years ago, but have things really moved on that much? Are we all working from old data when the world has already moved on?
Dating sites tend to publish the results of surveys that will make online dating seem more attractive and popular. I’m all in favour of pushing online dating as a viable dating option, but not to the exclusion of all others. Singles should be open to anything if they want to find someone. While the workplace may not be the ideal place (complications, sexual harrassment laws, possibility that the crush is short-lived and not based on real compatibility) the fact is that it can be as good a place as any to meet likeminded singles. While I’m not going to advocate dressing up in sexy clothes and throwing oneself at one’s boss, I’m also not going to belittle the amount of relationships that have sprung in offices.
I’ve not seen the raw data of this new Match survey and I don’t even know where the people surveyed came from, but it would be an interesting read. For example, if those surveyed answered an ad placed on an online dating site, it could explain why they have less of an interest in finding love through work (or have given up on finding someone through their job). I guess with all these surveys it depends on who’s conducting them and who’s filling them out, but my own very personal and unsupported anecdotal view is that office romance is far from dead. As long as people continue to spend a lot of time in an office together, some sort of romance will ensue. We may think it’s a dumb idea, but these things happen all the time.
Either way, I dare you to find me a single office where no office romance ever occured. Answers on the back of a postcard, please…
In the world of the dating and male / female interaction no nos, the catcaller deserves a special mention. I never get men who think it’s OK to catcall and whistle at women. Does this sort of thing ever work outside of, you know, the jungle? I bet even chimp ladies would turn their noses at catcalling male chimps.
I’m never really sure why guys do it. It’s disrespectful and annoying and not likely to get anyone any action, apart from maybe a slap.
The Riot came out with a hilarious questionnaire that you can print out and hand out to unsuspecting men who harrass you on the street. Might be more amusing than just turning around and shouting at them, which is what I usually tend to do.
The questionnaire resides here. It’s very explicit, so reader beware if these sort of things bother you. It would probably go over the heads of most of the guys in question, but I’m sure it would feel good anyway. Beats looking them straight in the eye and handing them a Christian conversion tract. Or does it? Hmmm.
I’d be interested to hear guys’ opinions about the reasons behind catcalls. All the guys I’ve come across in my professional and personal life wouldn’t dream of doing this sort of thing, so I am at a loss as to who does. It’s obviously a cross-cultural thing and some sort of macho group behaviour thing, but you’d have thought it would mostly die out by now, at least in countries where women are allowed to go about their business without covering up to the point where not even their eyes are showing.
ChristianCafe.com have released what is said to be the first ever Android app aimed specifically at the Christian dating market. It allows members of the site to browse profiles and communicate with others on the site. Those who are not members yet but want to be can download the app and sign up directly from their phone.
In case you’re wondering why there isn’t an iPhone app, well, there is. It’s been out for a while. You can search for these apps by typing “christiancafe” in the Android app store and “christiancafe.com” in the iTunes store.
Happy Valentine’s Day! Valentine’s Day is when everyone has something to say about love and relationships and there are tie ins everywhere you look. I saw plenty of stuff about romance on the lead up to today, but so far I like this one best. It’s Michelle Obama’s tip for a happy, long lasting marriage – laughing with your partner.
She adds that it helps that President Obama is romantic and always remembers important dates and birthdays (makes you wonder whether he employs a secretary to remind him). So there you have it – sharing a laugh with your partner and remembering significant dates in their lives (and doing things to show that you care, one assumes) can oil the wheels of a happy, 19 year relationship that’s very squarely in the spotlight.
That’s certainly encouraging for the rest of us, I’d say and a good reminder of what’s already been said a thousand times – you don’t need to wait for Valentine’s Day to show your partner how much you care.
Parship.co.uk and Relate, the UK’s relationship counselling charity, have banded together for a great charity campaign this Valentine’s Day to raise awareness of the great work Relate do. Take your online dating belle or beau on your first date this Valentine’s and you could win some fab prizes, including vouchers for yummy meals at Italian restaurant chain, Carluccio’s. Actually, you don’t have to go on a date with someone you just met. Friends, couples, family members and work colleagues can all join in, go on “dates” and earn a chance at winning a prize. Just go on your date, take a picture and submit it to be judged on the Relate website. The most creative picture wins the prize.
While you’re at it, why not text Date to 70007 to donate just £3 to Relate? Your £3 will pay for 15 phone calls for people who really need relationship counselling.
For more details about Relate and The Great Relate Date campaign, visit the Relate Site
Gay.com are joining the February discount bonanza fun. If you sign up this month, you can save $5 off monthly membership, $10 off quarterly membership or $15 off yearly membership. To do so, just use this link to go to Gay.com and use coupon code 51015AFF.
TechCrunch certainly think so. In a recent article, they revealed how WooMe send automated fake messages to users, trying to get them to sign up and pay.
I am always appalled that sites would resort to these sort of tactics. Apart from giving the whole industry in general a bad name, it’s also stupid. Everyone knows you don’t need to scam people to get them to sign up to a dating site. All you need to do is get people dating on your site, which I would have thought a site as big as WooMe would have managed by now. Once you have a database of people, other people will join and happily pay their money to use the site and talk to others. OK, maybe “happily” is taking it a bit far, but they’d still pay. So why do the nasty hard sell on them and basically try to con them?
When writing the piece, Robin Wauters wondered whether all dating sites employ this tactic. My answer is an emphatic no. Only the bad ones employ this tactic. Yes, many dating sites struggle with fake profiles put on by scammers, prostitutes and other unsavoury characters, but none of those profiles would pop up and try to make you pay the site. They have their own agenda and it usually involves getting you off the site ASAP, not on it.
The WooMe evidence seems pretty damning, I must admit. Those do not look like profiles put up by external scammers. They very much look like a con. I echo the advice in the article – stay away.
Valentine’s Day looms ever closer and the pressure is on to find some sort of romantic date. If you’re currently searching for someone to love or even just someone to date, there are definitely some things you can do to make your search go faster. The following list of tips is written from a woman’s point of view, but don’t think that if you’re a man these don’t apply to you.
Always go out looking your best.
You never know when you might meet someone you like, so while you’re on the prowl it’s important you feel confident and ready for action all the time. What “looking your best” means is whatever makes you feel you’re attractive to the people you want to attract. For some women, it could mean doing your hair and make up for an hour before you go out, for others it could mean putting on your lucky jumper. I’m sure you know how to tell the difference between times when you feel like you could pull anyone and times when you don’t.
Let everyone you know and meet know you are looking.
I’m not proposing you hang on to everyone you meet on the street for dear life and shout “I want to get married!” into their frightened faces, but it won’t hurt to make it known that you are single and looking. Friends can be outright told, others can be given gentle hints. You never know how far the news might travel and what it could bring back with it.
Say yes to every opportunity to go out in public.
See point #1 above: you never know when you might meet someone, so even that really boring gallery opening, former work colleague’s birthday drinks or family wedding could end up giving you exciting new opportunities for romance. Dress up and socialise as much as you can if you’re serious about finding someone.
Make your own opportunities.
Saying yes is great, but rather than play cargo cult with offers, it won’t hurt to choose ones yourself as well. Look up interesting events in your town, join an evening class or a meet up group and start increasing your social circles. I know someone who started going rambling recently and it really opened up his social life in a massive way. The possibilities are endless and even if you live in a tiny town, there’s always online dating, online forums and hobby-based chatrooms.
Don’t make your happiness depend on meeting someone at any given point.
There is nothing more boring for yourself and others than being so obsessed with finding someone you lose sight of everything else around you. A nice evening out could be all but ruined if you judge it by whether or not you met the man or woman of your dreams. Try to go out for the sake of going out, hanging out with friends and meeting new people. Not every night will deliver your new lover. In fact, chances are the vast majority of them won’t. Accept it all as part of the process and enjoy being a social butterly, dressing up and having fun.
I can’t believe this went by without loads more noise and publicity. Or did it? Did I just miss it because I’ve had a busy week?
match.com just bought OKCupid, the free dating site that is known for its brilliant compatibility matching system and rich data mining blog. The industry is seemingly abuzz with speculation of how this will affect OKCupid. Apparently the original company will still run it from their NYC offices, so people are hoping things like the blog will keep being run as they are now, with plenty of research and data available for all of us to chew on.
Having been a “victim”, shall we say, of a buy out myself, I’ll be interested to see how this affects both the way the company is run and the final product output to the public. OKCupid was not really run like a standard, money grabbing online dating business as far as I can tell. I know there were some changes along the way geared towards making money, but those were relatively harmless compared to what you
see on other dating sites. I doubt Match bought the site without intending on making it deliver some return on investment so my main concern is not the blog but the character of the site itself. I have no idea of what Match are like when they buy stuff out, but I’m hoping they’ll keep the spirit of the site going, rather than try to make it a Match clone. I have nothing against the match.com site, but OKCupid has stood out for years as unique so it would be a shame to lose that vibe.
February is the month when all dating sites go crazy with offers to catch all the people driven by Valentine’s Day to find love. Lavalife is joining the fun and making the site free for the whole of February. That’s right – if you join and use the site this month, you can enjoy a 100% free service, as far as I can tell. Lavalife is huge in the USA, Canada and Australia. Not so much in the UK, but you can still try it. After all, it’s free!
Keep following my blog for more special offers. I’m sure we haven’t seen the last of free trials and coupons this month.
Valentine’s Day madness is everywhere! Friends Reunited Dating are offering a massive 30% off subscriptions this month, up until the 15th. If you register and pay from now till the 15th, you can get a really good deal on the site.
To get it, go to Friends Reunited Dating and use code FLOWER14 when prompted during the payment process.
I told you there’s going to be some good stuff happening on the UK eHarmony site and here it is. From today until the 15th they’re running a free communications event where anyone who registers can communicate with their matches for free. So as I always say, sign up quickly, get matches sent to you and use as much of the free trial as you can sending messages to people you’re interested in.
The offers on the UK site are not as common as the US / Canada site, so make use of it while you can.
Two men have been arrested in Canada after arranging to meet gay men off dating site Plenty of Fish and then driving off with them and robbing them. Nasty, nasty stuff, though luckily no one was physically hurt. Still a pretty unpleasant experience, I’m sure. This is a good opportunity to remind everyone about the online dating safety rules. I know men are less likely to be affected by violent crime as a result of meeting people online, but this case shows how dangerous it is to just drive off with a complete stranger.
So guys, not to sound like your mom or anything, but even though it’s a lot more common on the gay scene to head off somewhere and have sex on a first date if you fancy the guy, do think twice about it, or at least keep everything to a relatively public place to begin with.
Don’t drive off into the woods with a total stranger where no one can hear you scream.
These robberies happened in Halifax, where I assume there are less gay clubs than, say, Berlin, but I’m pretty sure there’s somewhere people go to meet up that’s not the ‘hood or the wood.
I really wish I lived in the US and had HBO so I could watch this!
When Strangers Click: Five Stories from the Internet is a documentary about finding (or at least looking for) love on the Internet. It follows five different people and their stories of using dating sites and even Second Life to find love.
HBO will be airing it on Valentine’s Day. Maybe it’s so people who are still looking can find hope? I really hope it gets to the UK at some point.
If you’re in the USA (USA only, sorry Canada) then you can head over to eHarmony from tomorrow (Fri 28/1/11) and be able to use more features for free. They’re having a free guided communications event that will span the whole of the month of February, plus the last few days in January. Don’t expect to be using the entire site and everything it has to offer for free, but this does mean you can make a little bit more contact with your matches (who you can view for free anyway, regardless of any special offer periods). If you’re interested in this, sign up earlier rather than later, as it can take eHarmony some time to start sending you interesting matches, plus new people join all the time. I expect there to be quite a few new people joining because of this promotion.
Watch this space for any special offers coming your way from the Canadian side or eHarmony UK.
It’s official – social networking has got the seal of approval from the Catholic church. Pope Benedict XVI has given a speech talking about both the benefits and the dangers of online social interaction, highlighting how useful social networks can be in helping people interact with each other. He warned about letting the virtual world take over your life and reminded people that real life relationships are the most important of all.
I am not religious nor a supporter of the Catholic church in general, but those are definitely wise words.
Although he didn’t mention online dating sites specifically ( I don’t think), I think this speech perhaps implies that he is not opposed to them as long as it’s all done for the right purpose and in the respectfull manner?
In spite of its huge size, London can be one of the toughest places to meet people in. Yes, there are millions of people around, but finding the right London singles to date isn’t just a matter of numbers. If you live here, you already know how cliquey people can be compared to other major cities in the world. If you’re new in town without a wide social circle, it can seem impossible to make friends, let alone date in London.
Luckily, London is the city best served in the UK by online dating, speed dating and singles’ events, so if you’re struggling to meet people in London through other means, you won’t have any problems at all meeting people online or at singles’ parties.
Here’s a quick rundown of what’s available.
Online dating in London
All of the UK’s major dating sites cater for London quite heavily, so you won’t have a problem there. See my post about UK dating sites for more information about the UK’s big dating sites. But even dating sites from outside of the UK will often cater for London daters. This should give you even more of a choice when dating in London. If you’re looking for a particular type of dating site in London (free dating, casual dating, Christian or Muslim dating, etc.) you can take a look at my dating site reviews category.
There are also some dating sites specifically aimed at London singles. For example, if you are a professional single looking to date in London, you could try Lovestruck.com, a site aimed at busy professionals who want to fit dating around their schedules (and we all know how busy things can get in London!).
Speed dating in London
Just like with online dating, all of the UK’s major speed dating companies hold plenty of events in London. Not only that, but you also get the most variety of events — not just general speed dating, but also speed dating for professionals, international professionals and various religious and ethnic groups. For example, you could have special singles’ events for Muslim singles in London, or for Asian London singles. Check my post about urban dating sites for a list of good places to go speed dating in London.
So if you’re single in London, don’t despair. London may be cold, grey and miserable at times, but it does offer you plenty of opportunities to meet people, probably more so than any other city in the UK. You just need to know where to look.
Hey guys! Stressing about what to wear on your first date with the girl you just met online?
Fear not. Here are 5 dos and don’ts that should prevent any wardrobe malfunctions once and for all.
1. Don’t wear a messy, desperate or offensive T-shirt. “Hug me”? Out. Your favourite T-shirt that’s losing the print and is looking pretty shabby nowadays but you love it anyway? Sorry, out. Also, anything offensive or funny in an offensive way that can be misunderstood to make you a racist, chauvinist or any other type of jerk should be kept hidden till you’ve assessed your date’s sense of humour. Unfortunately, that means no Hipster Hitler shirts.
Do wear a clean, cool or plain T-shirt. I’m all for first dates that require nothing fancier than a T-shirt and jeans. If you want to impress your date with your obscure music or cinema knowledge, now’s the time to bring out your cool hip T-shirt and start a conversation.
2. Don’t wear anything uncomfotable. If you’ve decided to buy some new clothes or shoes for your date – wear them in first. If you’ve gained weight since the last time you’ve worn your going out clothes, then invest in new ones, rather than squeeze into an evening of suffocation hell. If you have to spend your entire date doing your version of the Picard Maneuver you’ll be making your life more difficult for nothing.
Do wear well-fitting clothes. Something that fits your size is always going to look more flattering on you even if that size is a size bigger than you’d like to be.
3. Don’t panic buy yourself anything fancy because the lady in the store told you to. It’ll probably make you feel uncomfortable or end up being completely not what your date would have liked.
Do go in jeans and a T-shirt if that’s what you usually wear. Women who are fashion conscious will normally prefer that to the “wrong” kind of fashion choices. They can always help you dress up in a way they find attractive, but many would shy away if they thought you consciously made a fashion choice they find repulsive. If your jeans are tatty and you want to wear something nice, buy the same kind of jeans but new, rather than go wild with so-called trendy cuts.
4. Don’t wear too much aftershave. There is nothing sadder than a man who smells like he’s just bathed in alcoholic perfume.
Do follow the basic hygene rules of a shower and deodorant. Deodorant is really important, I cannot stress this enough.
5. Do pay attention to your shoes. Women do.
Don’t wear your work shoes you panic bought and have hated for years because you’re scared of wearing trainers. Clean, plain-coloured trainers are your safest choice or, failing that, simple shoes without too many bells and whistles, weirdly shaped toes or tassles. This will make your date concentrate on who you are rather than worry too much about what your shoes say about your style.
Next time somebody tells you you’re being shallow when looking to date someone who’s attractive, you can show them this article talking about some very interesting new research. Satoshi Kanazawa, an evolutionary psychologist at the London School of Economics tested over 50,000 people and found that good looking people generally did better in IQ tests than those who are not as pretty.
His theory is that smart men usually do well and achieve a high status, allowing them to get better looking women, thus passing on both intelligence and beauty to their kids.
I’m not sure how this gels with the Hot or Not theory of attraction and accounts for the unattractive genes passed down by unattractive rich guys, but the statistics seem to speak for themselves.
