Don’t look down

February 23rd, 2007

The woman in this picture isn’t me. I am not blonde, for one. Also, there is no way I would ever be this calm hanging off a cliff. I chose this image for this post because I want to illustrate something. I will get to that shortly. So welcome to my dating blog. I hope you will find it useful. As you may already know, my name is Shimrit and I work in the online dating industry. I’ve recently written the book you can see on the right hand side. It will be out in the shops in May, which should give you plenty of time to decide whether you like my writing style. The book is already available on Amazon for pre order, in case you’re one of those mythical “pay now, buy later” people!
So this blog is going to be all about online dating and dating in general and my (not so) humble opinion of both.
But before I start talking about dating, I’d like to open this blog by talking a little bit about being single.

We live in a society where being single is sometimes viewed as some sort of terrible affliction. This is one of the reasons why there are so many books and articles out there trying to help people find (and keep) love. While this blog is also about such things, I think it’s important to make it clear at this point that I, personally, feel that until one is comfortable with single life, one is not very likely to ever find a truly happy relationship.

Unfortunately, people are not often allowed the luxury of being happy with their own company. In fact, people often react with disbelief if you tell them you are happily single. Women in particular are often judged not by their achievements, but by their ability to settle down with a husband and a family.

I was reminded of this today while reading an online article about Condoleezza Rice. As much as I dislike the woman and her politics, even I have to admit that she’s done well for herself. But in the comments section at the bottom of the article, 90% of the people criticising her referred to the fact that she is single and has never had children.
So there we have it. A highly successful career woman, more powerful than most women (and men) in the world and yet none of this matters, because she’s never given birth.
So how should a slightly more run-of-the-mill woman feel about being single in the light of this, when even the most powerful woman in the world has not fulfiled herself enough for some people? Is self-realisation for women something that can only be experienced through their relationship with a man?

While it may have been necessary for women in the previous centuries to find a husband to take care of them, nowadays us women are perfectly capable of supporting and taking care of ourselves. Without going into the ins and outs of gender equality, women today have more choices than ever before. Getting married and raising a family is one of those choices and each woman should be allowed to make that decision herself, without being made to feel guilty. Sadly, we are only a few generations away from times when women were hardly allowed to leave the house and old habits die hard.

And so the pressure is on, to find someone, to have a family, to settle down before it all becomes too late. Too late… The two words no woman wants to think about.

But is this panic state really the best place to be when you’re trying to find someone?

So going back to my stock-photo rock climber. I chose her as a visual aid because I think you can learn a lot from any activity that requires calmness, caution and determination to succeed. A good climber is not likely to choose to spend her whole life suspended in limbo
between heaven and earth, but she’d also advance slowly, assess her options along the way and keep her eyes on her ultimate goal. She would probably be aware of her own strengths and weaknesses or be willing to learn about them as she goes along. Most importantly, she would most likely take the time to enjoy the view and the experience, rather than seeing the whole thing as a painful ordeal.

Similarly, being single doesn’t mean giving up on ever finding love, just like a sure footing shouldn’t replace the ultimate safety at the top of the mountain. It does mean having the freedom to do stuff just for you, while learning about your options. You can spend money on yourself without feeling guilty or spend time learning new skills or pursuing your hobbies. Of course, being in a relationship does not mean any of that has to stop, but if you don’t take time for yourself when you are single, why would you when you’re in a relationship? So many relationships fail because people didn’t stop to think about what it is they really want to achieve in their own life, before dragging someone else into the equation. The happier you are with your life as it is, the less likely you would be to be willing to sacrifice some of that happiness for the sake of entering into a relationship that may not be right for you. It means having the courage and freedom to be honest with yourself about your needs.

I do believe most people are ultimately social animals and with relatively few exceptions, all of us would like to share our lives with someone like-minded, but this quest can sometimes turn into an obsession that can totally lose proportion.

If you view your life as deficient because you are on your own, you will never be completely happy with anyone else either. Realising that you have the ability to make yourself happy is the best way to set off on the right foot. The best advice I can think of for anyone at the beginning or midst of the search for love is this: don’t forget to live. Don’t let your life be dominated by what you lack but concentrate on what you already have. You’ll feel much better about the whole thing then.

Related posts:

1. Who should pay for the first date?
2. Dating – don’t just keep it online
3. Is it OK for women to hit on men?

Entry Filed under: Relationships and dating