Is it OK for women to hit on men?

December 21st, 2009

Here’s a question that keeps coming up time and time again: even in these days of supposed sexual liberation and gender equality, is it OK for women to hit on men?

First of all, let’s get one thing out of the way. On online dating sites, the answer is an unequivocal yes. There are too many people and too much competition for women to be able to get results by sitting back and waiting. If you see someone you think you might like – say hi. This is true regardless of whether you’re a man or a woman. You can always play coy once you’ve met, if you feel the need. At the end of the day, online messages are pretty non-committal and you won’t lose the so-called upper hand if you send one.

When it comes to chatting up men in real life, though, things are not so clear cut. A course of action that works with a so called alpha male won’t carry with a different kind of guy. Every woman knows that some men enjoy the thrill of the chase and won’t take things seriously if the woman made the first move. While most men would find it flattering if a woman hit on them, some may also take this as a sign of an easy ride. Some men are also put off by the thought of dating a strong woman, which opens up a whole other issue. On the other hand, some men are perfectly fine with being chatted up by women and many a fine relationship has started exactly like that. So which is it?

Well, if you believe books like “The Rules”, a woman should never hit on a guy and should appear disinterested if a man hits on her. But do such generalisations work? Some guys are actually very shy so would not respond well at all to such a hard attitude. Even guys that aren’t particularly shy may not be so keen on a woman who is really bitchy to them or seems to genuinely not be interested.

But if, as a woman, you’ve given a man what you believe to be a clear signal that you’re interested and the guy is still not asking you out, would taking things further yourself be the best way to go?

This is where your female intuition and a bit of profiling (of both the guy and your own patterns of attraction) should come in handy. Because if your guy is a bit of a playboy who finds it easy to get a date, flirts easily and seems to be aware of his own charm, he is probably more than capable of making the first move if he’s really keen. He is most likely also used to having women fall in his lap without having to make an effort.
If he doesn’t make a pass at you, he’s either not that keen or waiting for you to make a pass at him like all the others so he can add another notch to his belt. So unless you just want to have a fling, you should probably pose a bit more of a challenge.

On the other hand, if you are faced with a seemingly shy guy, or are lucky enough to have found a guy who’s not a victim of the tacky gender role system, making the first move would actually work in your favour. Unfortunately, there are no hard and fast rules for spotting either of those types of bloke as everybody’s different.

I would say that the playboy type is usually a lot easier to spot with a bit of experience, but many women end up in denial when faced with a cute boy…

At the end of the day, though, just like in the online dating world, you sometimes have to ask yourself whether life is long enough to play games and double-guess what you should and shouldn’t do.
If you’re a no-bull person who appreciates directness, you must also sometimes ask yourself – is a guy who’d be put off by a woman making the first move or disrespectful to her as a result really the guy for you?

Related posts:

1. More women are marrying men who earn less than they do
2. Women rule the net! (In the UK)
3. Who should pay for the first date?

Entry Filed under: Relationships and dating